Raped Christmas Songs

[Kevin B. Selby]

Okay folks, normally I'm a really really positive guy. Don't like to cut things down, try to say the nice thing, but SHEEZ...I'm sitting here putting the tree up (I know...I know..BELIEVE me I know) and winding the lights around and flicking the cat off the tree (nicely actually..I love cats), and we have this station here that starting around July...plays Christmas songs 24/7. Hoo boy, there are some real PRIZERS of songs by famous people that should NEVER have performed ANY Christmas song in their LIVES.

Now, I know I'll get disagreement on this but for the record, Neil Diamond should stay as FAR away from the studio between, say, November and January.

Yikes. Winter Wonderland sounded like a broken bagpipe attempting to sing a fairly nice song.

So, here's my list of mangled, raped, and otherwise destroyed Christmas songs (allow me to be like that guy on the T.V., Simon, that rips every performer regardless as to whether they pitched the performance of their very lives or not)...that I've been forced to endure for the last day or two:

1. Winter Wonderland (and anything else remotely Christmas-like) by Neil Diamond. Already ripped it up above. Not wasting space here.

2. Jungle Bells - Beach Boys. Oh my, WHAT were their PR people thinking...I think it goes something like this: "hmmm...Elvis has a Christmas record, Englebert Humperdink probably has a Christmas record, ooh...I know...the Beach Boys should have a Christmas album. Now I'll bet that the other songs on the album were probably fine...but Jungle Bells? COME ON PEOPLE.

3. O Holy Night - Mariah Carey. Good Heavens...I know this young lady can sing (parts of it being somewhat of a controlled scream), but this performance is neither holy, nor at night, it's in the stark naked daylight at high noon. Zowie. At one point I couldn't really tell what the lyrics were even saying there was so much "soul" in the room. In fact, the soul departed. Ichabod.

4. "I'll have a blue blue blue blue blue blue BLUE Christmas without you" sung by anyone. I will be black and blue if I have to hear this ONE MORE TIME. Lessee...at last count, I think I heard the following genre's represented: Rock, Country, Country, Country, Ballad (easy listening), Gothic Speed Metal, Ska, and Zydeco.

Okay...I'm not scrooge anymore...I got it off my chest. I just wish I could actually HAVE an opinion here. I keep sitting on the fence, not picking a side at all, and then I go and sugarcoat it like that. Y'all must think I'm SUCH a pantywaste milque toast.

There, I said it. Hah!

[TennesseeVic]

Ok, I'm *not* sending you "The Salsoul Orchestra Christmas Jollies".

Two 15-minute disco medleys of Christmas songs. Must be heard to be believed.

V.

[DPDAN]

He He He Kevin, I feel your pain.... :p

[FireGS]

Oh man, The song that Paul McCartney sings, "Simply havin' a Wonderful Christmas Time" OH MY GOD! I wanted to shoot myself and him when i hear that song...its like, Jeez buddy, take it up the brown already!

As im typing this, im watching the American "Idle" X-mas Special...

Dear lord....

~FireGS

[Kanjika]

Ever heard that christmas opera on those cheap AM radio stations?

TORTURE. PURE TORTURE!

[FredProgGH]

I've always thought that whoever said "Hey!! Let's get Bing Crosby and David Bowie to sing Little Drummer Boy together!!" was on PCP. I know a lot of people thought that was really cool but it made me cringe. Actually, that song makes me cringe anyway though. Pa-rum-pum-pum- what the heck is that?? :p :D

[Styxx]

for the record, Neil Diamond should stay as FAR away from the studio between, say, November and January.
I really concur with this absolutely! But, may I add ... Neil Diamond shouldn't sing at all. As a matter of fact, I don't think he can anymore not that he could. Not a Neil Diamond fan at all. :D

[Styxx]

I've always thought that whoever said "Hey!! Let's get Bing Crosby and David Bowie to sing Little Drummer Boy together!!" was on PCP. I know a lot of people thought that was really cool but it made me cringe. Actually, that song makes me cringe anyway though. Pa-rum-pum-pum- what the heck is that?? :p :D

That's right, pick on the percussionist again! :D

[FredProgGH]

That's right, pick on the percussionist again! :D

No no, I'm on your side!! That song is just a bad rap for percussionists. (I'll play my drum for you-- hey, can the Messiah get a little sleep maybe?? Hah??? :D :D

And hey, if we're having a "hate Neal Diamond" fest I'm all the way in!!

How about Manheim Steamroller?? Some of the Fresh Aire Christmas stuff is really good, but some of it is a bit... cheddar-esque...

[Easy_Rhino]

Here's one for all you who thought Bing would've been better off singing "Little Drummer Boy" with barking dogs...just select "Rummy Rocker Boy" from the list.

http://www.bobrivers.com/audiovault/tunes/tunes.asp?Var=R

[Kevin B. Selby]

Okay, now it looks like we can easily segue into horrible mismatched pairs.

Such as...who can forget, Bono and Frank sing "I've Got You Under My Skin".

EGADS...the only thing under my skin is Bono's NON-jazz voice and inflections. YECHHHH....

Oh, Oh...another one's coming...just a sec...YES! Joe Cocker and some lady singing "Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong". Her gorgeous voice did all it could to counteract the gravel-being-ground-under-a-steamroller-death-tones that Joe calls his voice.

Oh dear, I feel bad that I started this thread and it's still going negative...I better say something nice.

Okay...how about Julie Andrews paired with ANYBODY will probably sound good. And who could forget Nat King Cole paired with the lead singer from Motorhead (or insert-your-favorite-death-metal-"singer"-here) would pretty much be okay. His voice would simply OVER-counteract the sloppy vomiting sounds emanating from the upstretched head and neck of insert-favorite-death-metal-"sing-GER"-here to the point where I really wouldn't care because I'd still have ole Nat to listen to.

There, I said two whole things positive.

[DPDAN]

Nat King Cole was awesome! :)

[FredProgGH]

I love the guy, but Johnny Cash's version of "The Little Drummer Boy" is the most awful thing I've ever heard. Imagine him singing "Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum"!

You know how he had to hum the pitches on "I Walk The Line" to find the key changes? This is WAAAAYYYY worse. A true classic! Highly recommended for a gut busting laugh. :D

Ern :)

P.S. With Nat & Bing, you can't go wrong!

Nat doing The Christmas Song is pretty much the best. I've heard Johnny doing Little Drummer Boy and it is pretty scary. I seem to remember Joan Jett mangling it pretty badly as well.

Seaking of The Christams Song and country singers, I remember Willie Nelson's version being pretty awful. Or did I just dream that??

[joshj]

HA! I'm in Enumclaw buddy! I know EXACTLY which radio station you're talking about! I'm sorry but the Beach Boys should NOT have sung Christmas songs. Yeck!
That chick from "Elf" (Zooey something) has a killer version of "Baby, It's cold outside" on the radio. The only goofy thing is she's a 20-something and she's singing the duet with a guy that sounds like he's ninety. A little creepy...

[FredProgGH]

Speaking of scary (in a good, artistic way), have you seen Johnny's video where he sings Trent Reznor's "Hurt"? Wow! VERY intense.


Yeah!! Now thatwas pretty amazing. I bet Trent was going, "I wrote that??? Wow!!" :D

You know, none of The Beatles wrote a good Christmas song. Someone mentioned Paul's annoying Baldwin Fun Machine song already, but let's not forget John had that awful whiney "So This Is Christmas" song with Yoko screeching like a cat in the background. George skipped Christmas when he became a Krishna I guess and Ringo probably did one but no one cares.

[trentpmcd]

You know, none of The Beatles wrote a good Christmas song. Someone mentioned Paul's annoying Baldwin Fun Machine song already, but let's not forget John had that awful whiney "So This Is Christmas" song with Yoko screeching like a cat in the background. George skipped Christmas when he became a Krishna I guess and Ringo probably did one but no one cares.

The Beatles put out a Christmas song for their fan club every year for a few years. I'm a huge Beatles fan but I HATE their Christmas songs. Lennon's "So this is Christmas" is a masterpiece in comparison.

I've always wondered why people use Christmas as an excuse to put out horrid junk. It doesn't matter how poorly done it is or in how bad taste, if it's related to Christmas it has to be good. And there are so many great Christmas songs I don't understand why the radio stations always have to play the awful ones.

[Robert Kooijman]

I do really like some of Neil Diamond's earlier stuff. Songs where he actually sings instead of trying to imitate a dog that has been barking for too long...

These days he seems to prefer a raspy screaming tone.
As with so many other artists, subtility, feel and emotion are lost over time. Just listen e.g. to that romantic 50ties stuff of early Frank Sinatra. And oooh, those strings... They don't come like that anymore!

For our MP3 xmas playlist at home me and my wife have selected mostly songs loaded with atmosphere. Think of old postcards of cosy, snowy winter landscapes. No sterile minimalism here please!

[Kevin B. Selby]

Aha! So Lennon wrote "So this is Christmas". How strange...I thought it was done by a bunch of metal freaks in response to "We Are the World" (seriously!). You know, sort of a "ooh...we wish WE would have thought of that...well...okay...why don't we just make a lame whiney Christmas-esque song and hope it works". And...well..it just didn't.

Also, if my ears heard correctly, the DJ said that the Four Seasons were the ones performing "Jungle Bells". How odd...I swear it sounds like the Beach Boys?? Either the Four Seasons REALLY sounded like the Beach, or the DJ got it wrong.

We should probably close this thread before we REALLY start cranking on these poor musicians (poor Neil).

[FredProgGH]

Nah!! You can never heap too much abuse on Neil Diamond!! OR (and I know I'm going to take abuse for this one) Bruce Springsteen. His version of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town isn't the worst thing in the universe I suppose but I trip runing for the dial every time it comes on.

Kevin, are you thinking of Do They Know It's Christmas? That was Bob Geldof's original "feed the world" song that We Are The World was actually an American response to. Lennon's song came out in '70 or something.

[Kevin B. Selby]

Nah...I'm remembering a whiney Christmas song (that might be getting mixed up in my mind with a different whiney "we are the world" thing) and all I can remember is EITHER a bunch of heavy metal band members singing "we are the world"-style, OR, some of the heavier rock folks getting together (Hearin' Aid?) and singing a different whiney song.

The bottom line here is that every single time I hear "So this is Christmas", for some reason my mind triggers the memory of the metal dudes doing their "we are the world" thing and then I get all mixed up but it's an annoying song all the same. Just for fun, I went and found the lyrics and even the lyrics drone on and on and on and on and on and so this is Christmas, and so it is and it is and it still is, and it hasn't changed, and we're still with you so far, and

[fastlane]

How about Away In A Manger that starts out soft and sweet and then abruptly turns into a rocker. Recorded along with other massacred Christmas songs by our high school choir teacher who quit teaching, went lounge lizard, married a teenie bopper and then found God(at least for Christmas). You remember the seventies.

[Joseph Burrell]

Funny how I just lately have felt inspired to add my own personal flame to this thread. My God how I hate some Christmas music. It just rubs me the wrong way. I can't wait to have the Holiday CD. I'm burned out on crummy pop renditions of the classics. It grates on my nerves something fierce.

Anywho, this is all coming from someone that only listens to the Jimmy Buffet Christmas CD to bring in the holiday cheer. Magaritas all around! Buffet is the man.

[FredProgGH]

You know, I've never heard Jimmy B. do Christmas but I think I'd be OK with that!! Did Tom Waits ever do a Christmas album?? I think that would be good.

[DPDAN]

Anywho, this is all coming from someone that only listens to the Jimmy Buffet Christmas CD to bring in the holiday cheer. Magaritas all around! Buffet is the man.
Hey Joseph, just for your information, I recorded a Christmas CD for Peter Mayer in Nashville, it's called
Stars And Promises Alive (http://www.littleflockmusic.com/product.asp?ID=PM-SPA-CD) Pardon the lousy mono demos.

He is the guitarist for Jimmy Buffet, his brother Jim plays bass and long time friend drummer is Roger Guth. They are all from St. Louis Missouri. Quite a few years ago Peter (PM) had a record deal with Warner Bros. and Elliot Sheiner (engineer for Donald Fagen's Nightfly CD) was recording their first album and called Jimmy B. and said.... "wait till you here these guys that I'm recording from St. Louis." Well, Jimmy heard them, and hired them to play for all their gigs and record their studio CDs as well. My friend Jay and Roger wrote every song on their "Off To See The Lizard" CD. I'm rambling, but I recorded and ran sound for (PM's) concerts since the early eighties.
Just thought you might get a kick out of that.

[Styxx]

How about that rare Christmas album with Jim Morrison and The Doors? :)

[FredProgGH]

Hey Dan, that's very cool!! :cool:

[DPDAN]

:p :D :rolleyes: :)