Styxx
11-27-2005, 11:24 AM
MUSICAL OFFENCES Obnoxious show-off warm up $25 Vibrato on unison passage $50 Failure to swing $1000 Sound checking section mike with obnoxious jazz licks $15 Playing highest note possible during warm up $15 Raising hand after making mistake $15 Practicing multiple tonguing not called for on gig $15 Failure to use 3rd valve slide when necessary $50 Being told by conductor to play louder $400 Taking tuning note up octave $25 Taking tuning note up 2 octaves $2500 Playing Bb when band tunes on A $75 Blacking out after high note $20
LEAD TRUMPET PLAYERS Changing mouthpiece mid song $15 Missing high lick then mentioning previous gigs that day $25 Faking section into early entrance $10 Faking self into early entrance $20 Asking leader if it's ok to take lick up $25 Asking leader if it's ok to take lick down $400 Taking lick down on gig that you took up on rehearsal $100 Missing last note of 'In The Mood' $200
NON LEAD PLAYERS Missing entrance when leader drops out on unison $15 Hanging over past lead player on last chord $100 Attempting unassigned high lick lead player biffs $50 Asking lead player what mouthpiece he uses $75 Pointing out to lead player that guy on record took last passage up $20 Attempting to out-screach lead player on last chord $100 Successfully out-screaming lead player at any time $500
EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS Dropping mute $10 Dropping horn $20 + repairs Dropping dead Warning Forgetting pencil $20 Forgetting mutes $50 Forgetting bow-tie or socks $30 Forgetting mouthpiece $30 Playing with screw on rim $10 Blaming mistake on sticky valve $25 Getting marble or similar object stuck down bell $75 Polishing horn on stage $75
LEAD SAX PLAYERS Playing Johnny Hodges type bends on high passages when not required $15 Using nausiatingly wide 'Guy Lombardo' vibrato on no vib passage $25 Failure to use bends and vibrato when required $100 Playing flashy show-off patterns while testing section mike $25 Playing flashy show-off patterns while rest of band tries to tune $50 Saying that every reed in a box sounds equally good $25 Actually playing on every reed in a box $50 Actually playing on every reed in a box and sounding equally good $2000 Playing Coltrane changes instead of written out 'In The Mood' solo $25 Playing Coltrane changes under someone else playing written solo $50 Quoting from Kenny G record $2500 Showing off old rare Selmer bought for peanuts in small town $500 Showing off very expensive Guardala mouthpiece to penniless section $75 Having very expensive clarinet and flute and sounding awful on both $100 Having very expensive clarinet and flute and sounding great on both $1000 Having very cheap clarinet and flute and sounding great on both 10000 Playing top tone on last chord which is higher than lead trumpet note $5 Emitting loud squeek on reed in opening of 'Harlem Nocturne' solo $50 Continuously squeeking during theme of 'Li'l Darlin'' $100
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE Quoting Herb Alpert or Chick Mangione song $25 Casually mentioning to Musical Director that you also play keyboards $100 Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days $50 Farting on the bandstand $25 Talking about great deal on your new horn $10 Hawking old horn on bandstand $15 Having nicer gig bag than rest of section $10 Practicing legit style on commercial gig $35 Beginning sentence with 'When I played for Kenton....' $50
BASIC STUPIDITY Playing on Jet-Tone mouthpiece $20 Continuously asking 'Where are we?' $25 Drunkenness on the gig $25 Stonedness on the gig $50 Sobriety on the gig $75 Sitting next to leader at pre/post-gig meal $100 Pretending to be friends with bone players $10 Actually being friends with bone players $20 Dating bone players $75 Loaning money to bone player (oops) amount loaned Wearing old MF Tour shirt $15 Wearing new MF Tour shirt $25
LEAD TRUMPET PLAYERS Changing mouthpiece mid song $15 Missing high lick then mentioning previous gigs that day $25 Faking section into early entrance $10 Faking self into early entrance $20 Asking leader if it's ok to take lick up $25 Asking leader if it's ok to take lick down $400 Taking lick down on gig that you took up on rehearsal $100 Missing last note of 'In The Mood' $200
NON LEAD PLAYERS Missing entrance when leader drops out on unison $15 Hanging over past lead player on last chord $100 Attempting unassigned high lick lead player biffs $50 Asking lead player what mouthpiece he uses $75 Pointing out to lead player that guy on record took last passage up $20 Attempting to out-screach lead player on last chord $100 Successfully out-screaming lead player at any time $500
EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS Dropping mute $10 Dropping horn $20 + repairs Dropping dead Warning Forgetting pencil $20 Forgetting mutes $50 Forgetting bow-tie or socks $30 Forgetting mouthpiece $30 Playing with screw on rim $10 Blaming mistake on sticky valve $25 Getting marble or similar object stuck down bell $75 Polishing horn on stage $75
LEAD SAX PLAYERS Playing Johnny Hodges type bends on high passages when not required $15 Using nausiatingly wide 'Guy Lombardo' vibrato on no vib passage $25 Failure to use bends and vibrato when required $100 Playing flashy show-off patterns while testing section mike $25 Playing flashy show-off patterns while rest of band tries to tune $50 Saying that every reed in a box sounds equally good $25 Actually playing on every reed in a box $50 Actually playing on every reed in a box and sounding equally good $2000 Playing Coltrane changes instead of written out 'In The Mood' solo $25 Playing Coltrane changes under someone else playing written solo $50 Quoting from Kenny G record $2500 Showing off old rare Selmer bought for peanuts in small town $500 Showing off very expensive Guardala mouthpiece to penniless section $75 Having very expensive clarinet and flute and sounding awful on both $100 Having very expensive clarinet and flute and sounding great on both $1000 Having very cheap clarinet and flute and sounding great on both 10000 Playing top tone on last chord which is higher than lead trumpet note $5 Emitting loud squeek on reed in opening of 'Harlem Nocturne' solo $50 Continuously squeeking during theme of 'Li'l Darlin'' $100
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE Quoting Herb Alpert or Chick Mangione song $25 Casually mentioning to Musical Director that you also play keyboards $100 Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days $50 Farting on the bandstand $25 Talking about great deal on your new horn $10 Hawking old horn on bandstand $15 Having nicer gig bag than rest of section $10 Practicing legit style on commercial gig $35 Beginning sentence with 'When I played for Kenton....' $50
BASIC STUPIDITY Playing on Jet-Tone mouthpiece $20 Continuously asking 'Where are we?' $25 Drunkenness on the gig $25 Stonedness on the gig $50 Sobriety on the gig $75 Sitting next to leader at pre/post-gig meal $100 Pretending to be friends with bone players $10 Actually being friends with bone players $20 Dating bone players $75 Loaning money to bone player (oops) amount loaned Wearing old MF Tour shirt $15 Wearing new MF Tour shirt $25