Musician's Jokes! :)

[Thomas_J]

I\'d like to hear some original musicians jokes from all of you funny guys!

I\'ve gathered a few myself:

Q: What\'s the difference between a washing machine and a cellist?
A: Vibrato.

Q: What\'s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed cello in the road?
A: Skid marks before the skunk.

Q: What do a cello and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Q: What is the range of a cello?
A: As far as you can kick it.

Q: What\'s the difference between the first and last desk of a cello section?
A1: Half a measure.
A2: A semi-tone.

Q: Why can\'t you hear a cello on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

(so that\'s why my AO cellos are inaudiable http://www.northernsounds.com/ubb/NonCGI/images/icons/wink.gif

Q: Why did the cellist marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.


Keep em coming!
Thomas

[Adrian H]

Q: What is the difference between a cello and a viola?
A: The cello burns longer


Q: How do you make a viola player play staccato?
A: Write a semibreve and put solo above it.

[Adrian H]

A beautiful young lady was a flautist in a well known symphony orchestra. She had a bit of a reputation for going after the men in the orchestra, and after a few months, had gone through the male musicians in every section in the orchestra except for the brass.

She eventually got around to setting up a date with the principal trumpeter. After the date her best friend asked what the trumpeter was like. She replied, \"He was alright I suppose, but he was a terrible kisser - his lips were really tight and puckered\".

The next evening she took the tuba player out. After this date her friend asked her what he was like. She replied, \"It was horrible. You couldn\'t kiss him properly as his lips were just too big and covered in drool!\"

After this the flautist was getting a bit weary of brass players, but decided to ask out the Principal Horn player just to complete the section. After the date she met up with her friend who couldn\'t help but notice the huge smile on the flautists face. Her friend asked, \"Was he a good kisser then?\". The flautist replied, \"No, but you should have seen the way that he held me with his right hand!\"

[apessino]

http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/ (\"http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/\")

..that\'ll keep you busy for a while! http://www.northernsounds.com/ubb/NonCGI/images/icons/wink.gif

A-

--------
Andrea G. Pessino (not female, just Italian)
Blizzard Entertainment

[ChrisAxia]

OK, here are a couple of good ones.

A guy goes to a mall and leaves his accordian in the back of his car, hoping someone will steal it. When he comes out, he notices the rear window of his car has been smashed. He looks in the back seat of his car and finds....two accordians...

A man asks his son \'What do you want to be when you grow up?\'. \'A drummer\' replies the boy.\'Well, you can\'t do both!\' says the man.

On a slightly different note, but still very funny:

A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he\'d used for years without trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems, the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off.
But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 has many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2001.

But imagine my friend’s disappointment though on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hardrive and cannot be deleted. They can re-surface months or even years later.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter.

Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new attachments. Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week.

It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can\'t be turned off.

Recently he\'s been tempted to try Mistress 2001 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2001, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Does this sound like a common problem?

Chris

[Thomas_J]

Hahaha funny stuff Chris! I laughed loud when I read it http://www.northernsounds.com/ubb/NonCGI/images/icons/smile.gif

Some funny sh*t from the rest of you guys as well!

Z6, you\'re the standup comedian on this forum, contribute! now is your time!

keep em coming!

Thomas

[PeterMR]

How do you know when a drummer\'s at your door?

There\'s a knock and it keeps getting slower.

How do you know when there\'s a soprano at your door?

She doesn\'t have the key, and doesn\'t know when to come in.

[Z6]

Sorry Thomas. I don\'t know any jokes. But I\'m enjoying these.

How sad am I? I don\'t know a single joke. I think this is because growing up with my brother, he was a famous joke teller and I had to listen to every one a billion times apiece.

I enjoy reading jokes but I get scared when people tell me jokes in person; too much pressure.

[Thomas_J]

Hahaha Don\'t sweat it, Z6. I\'m sure it\'ll come to you http://www.northernsounds.com/ubb/NonCGI/images/icons/smile.gif I\'m enjoying this topic! I really like hearing people\'s musician jokes. Where I come from the same jokes are just rotating. I\'m getting tired of them. Need some new material! http://www.northernsounds.com/ubb/NonCGI/images/icons/smile.gif

Anyway I\'m laughing here, so just keep on writing!

Thomas

[PolarBear]

Hmm... trying to translate it in my poor english... http://www.northernsounds.com/ubb/NonCGI/images/icons/wink.gif

Sit two cello players in a cafe. Next minute a musician comes along.

Laughing at all other posts http://www.northernsounds.com/ubb/NonCGI/images/icons/wink.gif
Hansi

[This message has been edited by PolarBear (edited 03-29-2002).]

[fmfgs]

You didnt see the sign on my door?

Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.

fmfgs

[Chadwick]

What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist\'s arm?


A tattoo.

[Lucas]

Q. What\'s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A. You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once

Q. Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
A. Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

[Francis Belardino]

Great thread guys http://www.northernsounds.com/ubb/NonCGI/images/icons/smile.gif

Q: What\'s the difference between a musician and a large pizza?

A: The large pizza can feed a family of four!

http://www.northernsounds.com/ubb/NonCGI/images/icons/smile.gif


Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless !

http://www.northernsounds.com/ubb/NonCGI/images/icons/smile.gif

[This message has been edited by Francis Belardino (edited 03-29-2002).]

[Neal Keane]

What do you call a musician who can\'t afford to play anymore?....Married.

How many female singers does it take to sing \"Crazy\"? All of them. http://www.northernsounds.com/ubb/NonCGI/images/icons/smile.gif

What\'s the definition of a male quartet? Three men and a tenor.

[Aaron Symonds]

What the definition of a string quartet?

A violinist, a second rate violinist, a failed violinist and someone who hates violinists getting together to complain about the state of contemporary music!

[ChrisAxia]

Here are a few more. BTW I got these from the EQMAG.com forum. Do a search for a joke thread. There are loads of good ones there.

What has three legs with a **** on it?
- a drum stool!

How do you keep a banjo player from drowning in a foot of water?
- take your foot off his head!

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
- None, they have machines for that now! :-)

An engineer is busy working on a mix when the lead singer comes in and says
\" Can you give me a little more vocal?\"
Later, the guitarist comes in and says \" It needs more guitar.\"
Right behind him is the bassist saying\" More bass.\"
Later still, the drummer walks in and says \" It needs more drums!\"
Do you know what you get at the end?
- Same mix only louder!!

Recording has been significantly changed by ProTools and Autotune as the following will show.
An artist showed up late for his recording date and the producer said from behind the glass partition, \"Go out there and give me a track.\"

The artist played the song once. The producer said over the talkback monitor, \"That sucked. So you can come back in here now.\"

An man walks into a downtown London Pub with a large case in his hand. He sits at the bar an orders a drink. The bartender looks at the case kind of nervously and asks, \"Is that a bomb or Bagpipes?\"
The man looks back at him, \"It\'s a Bomb! What\'s it to ya?\"
\"Thank Jebus, I thought for a second it was Bagpipes!!\"

Scandal at Bob Marleys funeral..............
The coffin lid kept on Jammin\'


Guy goes in to a high class bar with an alligator on a chain,
he says do the bartender ....\"do you serve Drummers in this bar ?\"

\"sure, no problem\" says the bartender.

\"Great\" says the guy

\"Give me a beer and a drummer for the alligator\"

[Cheez]

Can\'t remember where I got this one from. Anyhow, here it is.


Dear Bandleader:

We look forward to your performance at our daughter\'s wedding. If you don\'t mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite songs. If you could play these at some point during the reception, we\'d be grateful:

Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please have it for the full ensemble and none of the 4/4 songs please.

Mahavishnu Orchestra, \"Dance of the Maya\", and please have the guitarist play John Mclaughlin\'s solo from the live performance Nov.16, 1972 at Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and we particularly liked it. If you find it too difficult, you can leave out the feedback.

Any of John Coltrane\'s duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of atonality is not everyone\'s cup of tea, but all our guests love high register tenor saxes.

We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. We particularly like the \"Infernal Dance,\" or whatever it is called, from \"The Rite of Spring,\" (second version of 1932). If you want to use the
sheet music it\'s OK. We like a tempo of about 1/4 note = 93 (Ozawa).

Then for the \"life candle\" lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa\'s \"The Grand Wazoo.\" If you want to play it in the original key of Bb, that would be fine but my cousin Janeene would like to sing the baritone sax solo. You may have to play that part in another key-she has kind of a high voice.

When my daughter throws the garter, could you play just a little of Varese\'s \"Ionization?\" It\'s such a cool piece, we think it would go over real well. Much better than \"The Stripper.\"

And for the Bride & Groom\'s first dance, please slow things down a bit by doing Barber\'s \"Adagio For Strings.\" It\'s so much better than \"We\'ve Only Just Begun\" or the \"Anniversary Waltz.\"

When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you please segue to Thelonius Monk\'s \"Ruby, My Dear\" - it\'s in honor of my wife\'s grandmother whose name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family.

Thanks very much for all your help. We\'ll certainly be happy to recommend your band to all our friends. By the way, the gig pays $350 for the group, and before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a sandwich and a soda to take with you.

Yours truly,
Andrew L. Gelt, PHd >>>


[This message has been edited by Cheez (edited 03-30-2002).]

[Thomas_J]

Haha loads of great contributions! Thank you very much. It\'s been fun! http://www.northernsounds.com/ubb/NonCGI/images/icons/smile.gif

Thomas

[killerbobjr]

There was a convention of drummers in Las Vegas, and a speaker got up on the stage and announced, \"We have to fight the stereotype that all drummers are stupid! I need a volunteer from the audience.\" A volunteer drummer jumped up on stage and the speaker asked him, \"Okay, how much is 200 plus 20?\" The volunteer drummer said, \"219.\" The audience of drummers groaned and yelled, \"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!\" So the speaker asked the volunteer drummer, \"Well then, how much is 100 plus 50?\" The volunteer drummer replied, \"149.\" The audience of drummers groaned again and yelled, \"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!\" So the speaker asked the volunteer drummer, \"All right! How much is 2 plus 2?\" The volunteer drummer replied, \"Four!\" The audience of other drummers groaned again and yelled, \"Give him another chance! Give him another chance! . . .\"

---

The lead singer of a band is getting a bit worried because his bass player and drummer are taking quite a while to come out of the dressing room. With 2 minutes left to go on, he decides to go in there and sort them the hell out. He finds them both sitting in opposite corners of the room, obviously not talking to each other. He goes over to the drummer and asks him what\'s going on.

\"He\'s stolen my drumsticks! He won\'t give \'em back! I can\'t go on without my sticks, can I?\"

The singer sighs and says, \"Okay, give me a minute, I\'ll get them back hang on,\" and goes over to the bass player.

\"Can you just give him his sticks back please? We\'ve got a gig to play here!\"

\"No!\"

\"Why not?\"

\"Because he\'s retuned the strings on my bass and he won\'t tell me which ones!\"

---

A young man walked up to his dad one day and said, \"Dad, I would really, really like to be a bass player. Can you buy me a bass guitar?\" The boy\'s dad replied, \"OK, son, but you\'re going to do it my way. You must practice very hard and you have to take lessons every week. Can you do that?\" The boy said that he would and the arrangements were made.

The next Saturday, the boy came into the house and his father said, \"Son, how did that first lesson go?\" The boy replied, \"It was great, Dad. Today we learned the the first string of the bass, the E string.\" The dad smiled and said, \"Son, I\'m proud of you. Keep it up.\"

The following Saturday, the boy came into the house and his father said, \"Son, how did that second lesson go?\" The boy replied, \"It was great, Dad. Today we learned the the second string of the bass, the A string.\" The dad smiled and said, \"Son, I\'m proud of you. Keep it up.\"

The Saturday after that, the boy came into the house and his father said, \"Son, how did that third lesson go?\" The boy replied, \"Oh, I didn\'t go to the lesson, Dad. I had to quit.\" The dad hollered, \"What do you mean, you quit? I thought you promised you would stick with the lessons!\"

The boy replied, \"But I had to quit, Dad. I got a gig.\"

---

In one corner of a bar, two guys are talking. The subject drifts over to IQ. One says, \"My IQ is 160.\" The other one says, \"Really? So\'s mine. I\'m a rocket scientist.\" \"Wow,\" says the first guy, \"so am I.\" They have another drink. In another corner of the bar, two more guys are talking. One says, \"My IQ is 125.\" \"Really?,\" says the other, \"So\'s mine. I\'m a college professor.\" \"That\'s funny! I am too,\" says the first. They have another round. In yet another corner of the bar, two more guys are talking. \"My IQ is 60,\" says the first. \"Really? So\'s mine,\" says the second. \"You play a Les Paul or a Strat?\"

---

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat
nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming
from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he
sees how long the drumming will go on. The native looks around
nervously and says, \"...Very bad when the drumming stops.\"
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going on and is starting
to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming
will stop. The native looks as if he\'s just been reminded of something
very unpleasant. \"...Very bad when the drumming stops,\" he says, and
hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed
up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts,
\"What happens when the drumming stops?!\"
\"...Bass solo.\"

[ChrisAxia]

Hey all,

Some other good ones there. Thanks for the laughs! I just remembered one of my favourites.

A man walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant, \'I want a Kurzweil K2600, Mackie d8b, Tannoy speakers and Quad amp\'. \'You must be a drummer\' replied the assistant. \'Yes, how did you know?\' says the man. \'This is a restaurant, the music shop\'s next door!\'

Chris

[ACProds]

What do you do when a violist in your orchestra dies?
- Move him back a row

What\'s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
- With a bull, the horns are in the front and the a**hole is in the rear.

and a violist\'s retort to all those viola jokes : Why don\'t Violists get hemorrhoids???
- All the a**holes are in the Violin section

thank you Cleveland and goodnight http://www.northernsounds.com/ubb/NonCGI/images/icons/smile.gif

[Metallian]

Who\'s the guy that is always around the musicians ?
--> The Bassist

How do you stop a guitarist that is playing ?
--> Bring him some tabs

A guy enters in a \"Brain Shop\" to buy a new brain.
--Teacher\'s Brain : 500$
--Physicist\'s Brain : 1000$
--Drummer\'s Brain : 5000$
Then he asks : \"Why is the drummer\'s brain so expensive ?\"
Answer : \"Because it was never used\"

Sorry for the english but i\'m french...

[Eric G]

How can you tell if your stage is level?

The drool runs from both corners of the drummer\'s mouth.
----------
How do you know a trombone player is at your door?

The doorbell drags.
----------
How do you make a trumpet/trombone/<other brass instrument> sound like a French horn?

Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

<drum fill>

[Phattlippz]

It\'s the second night of a weekend engagement at a jazz club, and the bandleader walks up to the girl singer before the band is about to play their first set. \"Tonight,\" says the bandleader, \"I\'d like you to sing \"Autumn Leaves\" in 3/4 time, but switch to 7/8 time in bar 7, modulate up a minor 3rd on the 4th beat of measure 8, come in with the bridge 2 beats ahead of the band, and sing the lyrics to \"Beautiful Love\" during the last \"A\" section.\" The singer looks at the bandleader, flabbergasted, and says \"but I can\'t remember to do all of those things!\" The bandleader replies, \"Why not? You did it last night!\"

Ba-dum chaaaaa....



[This message has been edited by Phattlippz (edited 03-31-2002).]

[noenoeil]

Ok I\'ll try in english :

What is the difference between the first and second violins section of the French Philarmonic Orchestra of Radio-France, and the Beatles?
None, they stopped playing together more than 20 years ago.
-
Webern is dead. http://www.northernsounds.com/ubb/NonCGI/images/icons/grin.gif
-
An old contrabass player decides to stop playing after years of service in the Philarmonic Orchestra of Radio-France.
He take his instrument home and knock at his door.
His wife opens the door, sees the contrabass and ask \"now what\'s THAT?\"
-
Now one I\'ve made up for you guys :

A pro photographer and an orchestral sampling dude talk together.
The composer says : In some ways, you are taking pictures of real things and I take pictures of real instruments, almost the same thing, but soon I\'ll have a real orchestra for my first feature film, isn\'t it cool?
-Yes dude, you\'ll kinda have your first safari...
(not very good but heh, I tried) http://www.northernsounds.com/ubb/NonCGI/images/icons/grin.gif
-
Last one : Two blondes are running in a forest, and they hear \"broaap, broaap, please, save me, broaaap, broaap\". They look at the sound direction and there\'s a huge toad that says \"heeelp boaarp! Please give me a kiss so I can transform back to what I was before this witch cast a spell on me ! \" The blondes asks \"If one of us kiss you, you\'ll be a man?\" \"Yes ! Boaaaap! I was a handsome jazz drummer ! boaaap\".
Are you out of your mind?? We\'ll make a lot more money with a talking toad than with a jazz drummer !

[This message has been edited by noenoeil (edited 03-31-2002).]