OT: In a weird place...

[serenitymusician]

Has anyone ever felt like just giving it all up? I mean just chucking doing any more music? I felt like that yesterday. It was a weird place. Feelings can be categorized in four areas: mad, sad, glad or afraid. My feelings yesterday, even today are one of extreme sadness, a little anger, and very much afraid to bring any of this up to this forum. I have worked in music for 30 years. I have directed a lot of church choirs (including one now) and several instrumental groups. I have written many, many pieces of music, most of it never heard but by me. My church choir has been my best venue for music. But yesterday a friend's message of "do I really suck that bad as a musician" prompted me to think, what's the point? Hardly anyone has heard most of what I've written. I've tried to write music that makes a difference, that expresses who I am. There's been little to no feedback so much of the time when someone does hear something I've done. So I came back to, what's the point? Why keep writing? Because it's so much a part of me, writing music. That was what prompted the sadness. I really thought what it would be like to shut down my computer for the last time, never pull up Finale again, never write another note. The grief was overwhelming. So do I continue? I have to. Even if no one hears anything else I do, I still have to keep writing. Music has been my life. It always will be. I can't imagine my life without it.

Gary A.

[reberclark]

I've been there. I, too, have been doing music - moderately successfully - for about thirty years. One thing I know is that "this too shall pass." Maybe it's time for a break in your routine, maybe put music away for a month or so, but that is just natural. The mind and body (and spirit) need their breaks now and then. Consider also that it is the middle of Winter - a time for feelings and thoughts such as these.

My advice - remember most things are cyclical and this feeling will cycle through just like the seasons. Give yourself a break. It is times like this that put the "up" times in perspective and they will be all the more "up" because of this "down" time. I believe it is the natural give-and-take of the creative life.

Don't make any drastic decisions in a time like this (just the same as when you are way "up"), bide your time and "this too shall pass."

[Jeff Hurchalla]

Hi Gary,
Sorry to hear that the idea of making music has become painful lately. I think you've said in your own post that you do know the point of it, even under the question - that it's a part of who you are.
It might be worth asking who are you writing for or who are you hoping to reach? My impression is that some audiences are easier to reach than others - that there is a demand for film and tv and video game music, and probably others, that reach a large audience, but that there's only a very small part of the general public that's currently interested in going to a concert of new classical music. If you want to reach a good size audience I think you'd need to look into the business side of music, which might or might not be fun. It's certainly legitimate to write for yourself, to write for family, to write for friends, to write for God. And to me it's a huge amount of fun to have a very small community of friends who gather to play music. There are people out there who care about expression.

[rpearl]

Gary,

To echo what's been said - we have all had those feelings. Those days. Those months... You've said it well, in that you do know why you write; the issue of who is listening is where we get disheartened. May I ask how you go about promoting your work? What do you do to make contacts with potential performers? Potential audiences? I know - or I assume - you aren't just sitting around waiting for the world to beat a path to your door; but what we actually do is what matters.

I was also going to suggest a break. A sabbatical, in other words. Interesting that the root of the wordsabbatical is sabbath, or rest. When it is good for a whole host of other things, why not this. What would happen if you didn't write for a month? Or more? That absence, that time away might just rejuvenate your thinking.

But these feelings will pass.

By the way, you have a new friend on myspace...;)

All the best,

[Raymond62]

Schubert wrote 9 Symphonies and a lot more piano music. As far as my biographies go, he never had the joy of a public performance of one of them and still he kept on writing.

Go and do something else for a while...

Raymond

[DarwinKopp]

There's an Alan Belkin letter that addresses your specific concerns posted somewhere on this site.

To paraphrase, being a composer is not the same thing as building a career as a composer, whether for recognition, money, or both. In fact, the latter will demand time from the former, all things being equal, as well as often imposing more artistic limitations than would otherwise exist. So there is a definite upside to composing in relative isolation.

I think it was Aaron Copland who wrote that many composers do what they do because they are basically compelled to do so. And in a lot of ways, the existence of tools like GPO just make that proposition all the sweeter.

And finally, in moments of doubt, a note from Martha Graham:

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open."
Regards,
Darwin

[reberclark]

Darwin, that is a GREAT Martha Graham quote. Thanks!

[danpowers]

That Martha Graham was something, wasn't she? :D

[DarwinKopp]

Schubert wrote 9 Symphonies...

Well, 8 1/2 anyway. :p

[rwayland]

Well, this feeling is something that I can fully understand. For a couple of months, I have written essentially nothing. I have asked myself many times, why am I doing this? Then I listen to some of my music, and I like what I hear. But I have not yet reached a point where I am ready to continue. I have no doubt that part of my present situation is that I have been very much pre-occupied with essential matters, like continuing to breathe, with a lot less effort than currently. Big asthma problem, improving slowly. When it passes, I expect the urge to compose will again make itself known. Meanwhile, I continue to think about what I might write when I am able to devote a little less of my thoughts to the matter of breathing!

Richard

[sonata5920]

Gday Raymond,

You said:

“Schubert wrote 9 Symphonies and a lot more piano music. As far as my biographies go, he never had the joy of a public performance of one of them and still he kept on writing.”

If you mean by this, that he had none of his music performed publicly, than that is not correct.

Franz Schubert was a very prolific composer. He was just not a good public relations person. He conducted and also performed many of his compositions. It is true that not all of his compositions were favoured and performed during his life. Often well known critics of his time failed to show up for his concerts, when they were expected to be present.

Herbert

[Raymond62]

Then I have to correct my two books about Schubert on this. Thanks for mentioning.

Raymond

[DPDAN]

Gary,
first, I want to commend you for bringing your feelings here.

Second, I have a question for you and others...

why do you feel "unsuccessful" depressed, sad, mad, angry because your own music is not heard or performed by anyone but you?

Third, why do folks feel like they have to write music to enjoy it.

Music itself is a very complex gift. I really feel like music is intended to be listened to, and with the various emotions that it can produce in us, we can use it to make us feel good, it can heal brokenness, stir imaginations, reveal paths, the list goes on and on. But ultimately, it is to listen to, not to create. Kind of like an automobile,... it's purpose is for transportation, not for the designer or manufacturer. Only a select few GET TO design cars.

I think it is critically important to use our God-given gifts.
If you are a choir director, realize that while Hollywood is not knocking down your door with millions, continue to direct your choir, and recognize the importance of just that. Appreciate the leadership role that you play in your choir. Recognize that while you are directing, your choir members are looking up to you, they not only need your direction and advice, but they can pick up on your qualities as a person. If they admire and appreciate you, their own lives will be changed forever. That, to me, is more powerful than any piece of music we can create.

To invest in people has far more lasting value than putting all of our time and effort into music itself.

I don't want you to think that you should give up on writing music, if it pleases YOU then keep doing it. If on the other hand, it is nothing but depressing for you that it is never appreciated or heard, then use your time spent listening to other great music.... music that YOU think is great,.....
even if it is yours, but not if it depresses you.

People is where it's at!
Dan

[Raymond62]

Don't Quit
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit--
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns;
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won, had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit;
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

--Leo Piggott, 1931

[sonata5920]

G’day,

Dan, your question was:

“ … why do you feel "unsuccessful" depressed, sad, mad, angry because your own music is not heard or performed by anyone but you?”

There may be psychological and medical answers to our disapointments.

My observation is that most people are comfortable to never stick out or be seen. It is so much easier not to account for one’s actions and beliefs.

Some of us have a lot of courage and want to make a difference, not by being confrontational, but by being different and creative. Creative people have a need to be recognised. This is perfectly ok, because the creative person measures his or her success by the judgement of others. The world survives and advances by the actions of a few.

When measuring our contributions, we need to be rational and not only critical of us. If we have not made it to our satisfaction we can try again. Perhaps we need to lower our expectation of performance and encouragements.

Gary, this is to tell you, to just press on with your passion.


Best wishes,

Herbert

[Styxx]

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson, 1936

[serenitymusician]

It's taken me a while to respond to the wonderful things all of you have said in response to what I shared. I can say I am in a much better place today than I was on Friday. I'm not sure how to describe what I felt. Music has been such an important part of my life. All I can say is, for a short time, I considered what my life would be like without any involvement in music whatsoever. It felt pretty empty. Everyone has a calling of one sort or another. Music has been that calling for me. The support from all of you has been very much appreciated. All of you have given me so much encouragement. Thank you! Darwin, I am going to print out that quote from Martha Graham. That is just fantastic!

Why do I write? Because I love to. Because I have a passion to. Because I love hearing the end result (even though so many times I go back and do a ton of rewrites). I see the reaction from my partner Karen. Her inspiration has propelled me to write music I never thought I would. And, as you said it Dan, music is to be listened to. You know, I love to listen to the stuff I have written. This is not a conceit, at least I hope not. I just love the emotions I feel when I listen to what I've done, how it makes me feel positive inside. And I do know the music I've written has touched other lives. Jeff, there have been plenty of times I dreamed of doing something bigger, say for the big screen. Maybe it will happen someday. In any case, I will continue to write and I will continue, as Herbert suggested, to press on.

Gary A.

[DPDAN]

good to hear Gary!

I think there is nothing at all wrong with listening to your own music,
I do the same thing.
Dan

[PaulR]

Has anyone ever felt like just giving it all up? I mean just chucking doing any more music?
Gary A.

Yes- every time I head for the golf course. I can go for up to 10 years without writing any music.

The trouble with a lot of musical types is they don't play enough sports. They don't understand what it is to be competitive in any sporting arena. They sit in front of computers and have no idea about most things - like sports. Or how to make money. Or - what am I going to do when I'm old.

Run of the mill stuff like that.

[qccowboy]

A long time ago, I decided that music was going to be my chosen field of endeavour.

I went to school. A LOT. I studied privately. I performed. I did competitions (and never one a single one). I wrote and wrote. very few of my pieces got performed.

I spoke about the reality in which I live in another thread, about the problem with the debate between tonal/atonal music, between a traditional approach and a more avant-garde approach, and the terrible rift it has caused in the music scene where I live.

Well, I can assure you that even with 2 university degrees, multiple concerts under my belt, hearing my music accompany a film on the big screen, seeing a CD of my music on store shelves, there are STILL moments where I wonder "is it worth it?"

And all I can tell you is, yes, it is. Because while "now" may be difficult, tomorrow may be easier. Or after tomorrow, or the day after that.

It requires faith in yourself, but it also requires work. To get performed, you need to get out there. You have to find a way of making it happen.

If you feel that there's something missing in your creative output, then find a teacher, enroll in a university program, but go DO what it is you need to fill that void. Only you can do it.

Make it happen for yourself. You won't regret it. I can promise you that.

[rwayland]

Yes- every time I head for the golf course. I can go for up to 10 years without writing any music.

The trouble with a lot of musical types is they don't play enough sports. They don't understand what it is to be competitive in any sporting arena. They sit in front of computers and have no idea about most things - like sports. Or how to make money. Or - what am I going to do when I'm old.

Run of the mill stuff like that.

I do hope that these unfounded generalities are in jest. They certainly do not describe any musician or composer that I have ever met and certainly blatantly overlook any idea of choices. Further, if not in just, I would say that they describe the author more than the target!

Richard

[Styxx]

good to hear Gary!

I think there is nothing at all wrong with listening to your own music,
I do the same thing.
Dan I'm glad you do 'cause I dunt! :D

[jmc]

Has anyone ever felt like just giving it all up? I mean just chucking doing any more music?
Only just about every day. It's really difficult sometimes just to function day to day. But a friend of mine likes to remind me, "if it were easy, everyone would be doing it." And it REALLY bugs me when he does that, because I'm usually in a bad mood and I want to be mad at someone, but I can't bring myself to mad at him, mostly because he's right.

You need to reread this paragraph closely, because you kind of answer your own question at the end of it. It's also very VERY similar to my own experience with the exception of my having a church choir.

I have written many, many pieces of music, most of it never heard but by me. My church choir has been my best venue for music. But yesterday a friend's message of "do I really suck that bad as a musician" prompted me to think, what's the point? Hardly anyone has heard most of what I've written. I've tried to write music that makes a difference, that expresses who I am. There's been little to no feedback so much of the time when someone does hear something I've done. So I came back to, what's the point? Why keep writing? Because it's so much a part of me, writing music. That was what prompted the sadness. I really thought what it would be like to shut down my computer for the last time, never pull up Finale again, never write another note. The grief was overwhelming. So do I continue? I have to. Even if no one hears anything else I do, I still have to keep writing. Music has been my life. It always will be. I can't imagine my life without it.

See? You HAVE to write music. I HAVE to write music. If i decide to stop, it will haunt me, it will keep me up at night. Even if all I ever do is write completely worthless garbage my whole life, I HAVE to write it. Even if there is no point. You may try to let go of the music, but IT will NEVER let go of you. It will bug you day and night, and one day you'll scribble an idea on a napkin, and that idea will germinate in your brain, and eventually decide to put it in Finale. Just the melody, you'll tell yourself, I'm not going to do anything else. I'm not going to add strings, or accompaniment, or a counter melody, no sir! Just the melody, you'll say, and you'll open it, and after all that time you spent trying to avoid it, with one click you'll be hooked again.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound? Hell yes it does! I'm here and this is my forest! Of course if many trees fall, we'll have to change the quote to "sawdust farm," but I'm okay with that! Fear not, something tells me there's an endless supply of trees.

[serenitymusician]

Only just about every day. It's really difficult sometimes just to function day to day. But a friend of mine likes to remind me, "if it were easy, everyone would be doing it."

One thing that I've noticed since I posted this was so many of us have felt the same way. I sure like what your friend said. My partner Karen is good at saying things like that and she has seen me in some pretty foul moods because of music related stuff.


See? You HAVE to write music. I HAVE to write music. If I decide to stop, it will haunt me, it will keep me up at night. Even if all I ever do is write completely worthless garbage my whole life, I HAVE to write it. Even if there is no point. You may try to let go of the music, but IT will NEVER let go of you. It will bug you day and night, and one day you'll scribble an idea on a napkin, and that idea will germinate in your brain, and eventually decide to put it in Finale. Just the melody, you'll tell yourself, I'm not going to do anything else. I'm not going to add strings, or accompaniment, or a counter melody, no sir! Just the melody, you'll say, and you'll open it, and after all that time you spent trying to avoid it, with one click you'll be hooked again.

Oh, man, did you ever hit on some of the very things I have felt over the years. Writing music is a part of who I am! Like you, I HAVE to write (and I can't tell you how many napkins I've written on!). DPDan mentioned we write music because we want our music to be listened to. And let's be honest, we WANT people to hear what we've written. Who doesn't? But that's not all. Sometimes...hell, a lot of the times (for me) it's because there's this burning and aching feeling inside to CREATE music! It's almost like an obsession...maybe it is. The fact is I really LOVE to write! And sometimes all it takes is hearing something someone else has done to trigger an idea for something original on our own. So JMC, thank you for your feedback! If you've posted some of your music on the Listening Post I will check it out as I want to hear some of what you've written.

Gary A.