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Topic: "Lament" Revised

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  1. #1

    "Lament" Revised

    Hi All!!!
    I created a new thread for this because the other two links from the original post won't work anymore (Original Post: "Remember that Violin Solo?") The original mp3 and pdf score have been replaced with these new ones.
    First, let me say thanks to all of you who posted replies to the original one with helpful hints and critiques! It has been a great help while revising this.

    Here it is: the revised "Lament" I have changed the ending and done a few things to vary the harmonic structure slightly.

    I am happier with the ending of this revised version, though I cannot say it's spectacular or anything.

    Please let me know what you think of it. As always, constructive criticism is welcome!
    (See below for the Post with Lament rev.b on it to hear)

    Thanks Everybody!

    Jerry
    Last edited by Jerry W.; 09-08-2005 at 02:27 PM. Reason: Stupid spelling mistakes

  2. #2

    Re: "Lament" Revised

    Very realistic! Nice composition! You are one talented dude!

    I could visualize the bows tenderly scraping across the strings. Also, your tremolo "swells" throughout the piece were masterfully done! The delightfully "grunting" basses near the beginning really caught my ear because I am a bassist.

    I could use some lessons from you.

    We want more, more!

    Best regards,

    Larry A.

  3. #3

    Smile Re: "Lament" Revised

    Hi Jerry,

    ok, this ending is much better than the "old" one. There are couple of things which still bugs me, sorry.

    1. In bar 59: You use four 16th notes, I find it too fast for the mood of the piece. Maybe try to have triplet like this C-Bb-A down to the G. Or for an alternative write Espress. then the soloist will take care of this.

    2. In bar 71: I find this dissonance chord almost unbearable (IMHO). The chord is G,D,E,A,B, and C pedal note. The problem is that you have three 2nd's intervals, and one of them are min. 2nd (B,C). This is really a cluster chord, the only one in the whole piece and it takes place when you're solving all the tension from before. - See http://www.falcon-creations.com/pdf/jerry_ending.pdf for suggestion of solution (starting from bar 70). Btw. Part of the solution was to eliminate bar 74 and use chord in bar 72. Nb. You can still use the pedal C in solo, while the string section is resting - just add bar or two.

    Well hope this helps a little.
    Sincerely,
    Falcon1


    icelandphotoblog.com
    my cafepress store
    my fine art print store
    my music store

    Please support your fellow musician from Iceland where the currency has fallen 70% against USD and 90% against EURO! Every dollar or euro counts!


  4. #4

    Re: "Lament" Revised

    Quote Originally Posted by falcon1
    Hi Jerry,

    ok, this ending is much better than the "old" one. There are couple of things which still bugs me, sorry.

    1. In bar 59: You use four 16th notes, I find it too fast for the mood of the piece. Maybe try to have triplet like this C-Bb-A down to the G. Or for an alternative write Espress. then the soloist will take care of this.

    2. In bar 71: I find this dissonance chord almost unbearable (IMHO). The chord is G,D,E,A,B, and C pedal note. The problem is that you have three 2nd's intervals, and one of them are min. 2nd (B,C). This is really a cluster chord, the only one in the whole piece and it takes place when you're solving all the tension from before. - See http://www.falcon-creations.com/pdf/jerry_ending.pdf for suggestion of solution (starting from bar 70). Btw. Part of the solution was to eliminate bar 74 and use chord in bar 72. Nb. You can still use the pedal C in solo, while the string section is resting - just add bar or two.

    Well hope this helps a little.
    Hey Falcon,

    Thanks for the reply!

    I am glad you noticed the cluster chord. Let me see if i can articulate the reason. I did that on purpose because I felt that I needed a little reminder before resolving. It's like "Ah, I am starting to feel better" and then suddenly remembering the pain and the cause of that pain one more time before finally resolving. It's often hard to let go of pain even when you want it the most.

    And although I like your solution to my ending- and may try it still, you have me ending on a C major chord. I purposefully left out the third and opted for the open fifth feel. It's resolved, but not convincingly or entirely so . Keeps you wanting more - and that is how i like that.

    Thanks again for EVERYTHING!! I will try an alternate version with your suggestions, because i feel that every piece can be improved, but I may still stick to my guns.



    Jerry
    MacBook Pro Intel Core 2 Duo 2.5ghz 4GB Ram OSX 10.5.8
    Korg TritonLe & MAudio Oxygen 8
    T3, Logic 9, DP7, K2, GPO4, Strad, Gofriller, C&MB, Finale 2010

    My Website!
    New Film Scores!
    Also, Ever think about having your very own personal documentary? See my new Website!
    http://www.mylegacyfilm.com


  5. #5

    Thumbs up Re: "Lament" Revised

    No problem Jerry. Of course you stick to your guns if you like them better.

    Regarding that cluster chord - I like your reason for it, however it worked on me like almost fatal wound and if you're gona use it then you need to add more to the "healing" section after it.
    Also, if you're gona use it - then I would like to have it emphasized more!

    I have no objection of ending on a open fifth and you can still do it if you're gona use some of my guns.

    Anyway, this is a job well done!

    Btw. do you have more pieces here on NS?
    Sincerely,
    Falcon1


    icelandphotoblog.com
    my cafepress store
    my fine art print store
    my music store

    Please support your fellow musician from Iceland where the currency has fallen 70% against USD and 90% against EURO! Every dollar or euro counts!


  6. #6

    Re: "Lament" Revised

    Quote Originally Posted by falcon1
    No problem Jerry. Of course you stick to your guns if you like them better.

    Regarding that cluster chord - I like your reason for it, however it worked on me like almost fatal wound and if you're gona use it then you need to add more to the "healing" section after it.
    Also, if you're gona use it - then I would like to have it emphasized more!

    I have no objection of ending on a open fifth and you can still do it if you're gona use some of my guns.

    Anyway, this is a job well done!

    Btw. do you have more pieces here on NS?
    Hey Falcon,
    Thanks for the quick reply!! The "cluster" chord is actually the very same chord (taking out the violin solo static C pedal tone) as the second chord in the piece. So it shoudn't be THAT traumatic! I was quoting the first two chords and altering them in repetition of them in 73 and 74.

    I MAY reslove to the major chord - as I say - I did it on purpose - but the more I am listening to it, the more I am open to that option.



    Yes, I have two other pieces here. One is called

    "Chronomentrophobia"
    the other is called
    "Lullaby for Kylee"
    You already posted on Lullaby one. But not the other. Let me know what you think of it.

    Thanks,

    Jerry
    MacBook Pro Intel Core 2 Duo 2.5ghz 4GB Ram OSX 10.5.8
    Korg TritonLe & MAudio Oxygen 8
    T3, Logic 9, DP7, K2, GPO4, Strad, Gofriller, C&MB, Finale 2010

    My Website!
    New Film Scores!
    Also, Ever think about having your very own personal documentary? See my new Website!
    http://www.mylegacyfilm.com


  7. #7

    Smile Re: "Lament" Revised

    Hi Jerry, no problem.

    Yes, indeed it's the same chord as the second chord in the piece - it's maybe the reason for it sounds "wrong" in my mind. We are getting the glimpse on the tonic in bar 68 and the solo-violin appears to confirm that the C finally settle in. In bar the C still sound strong because we really hear it as the consonant note in the chord, but in the bar 71 the C changes from strong comfortable consonant to a relative strong dissonance which really wants to solve up to the D. What the chord needs, IMO, is reinforcement for the C - for example go from Bb to C in Vln. II. With the Vln. II on the C we still have some amount of pain, but with strong relation of the chord to the Vi of the tonic so we feel something like: "Yes, I'm getting much better now - but I'll remember the pain I went through". You know, it's kind of "time fixes everything" idea.

    Anyway, this is your composition and you decide what you want.

    Btw. Just to be clear - I like this piece!
    Sincerely,
    Falcon1


    icelandphotoblog.com
    my cafepress store
    my fine art print store
    my music store

    Please support your fellow musician from Iceland where the currency has fallen 70% against USD and 90% against EURO! Every dollar or euro counts!


  8. #8

    Re: "Lament" Revised

    Quote Originally Posted by falcon1
    Hi Jerry, no problem.

    Yes, indeed it's the same chord as the second chord in the piece - it's maybe the reason for it sounds "wrong" in my mind. We are getting the glimpse on the tonic in bar 68 and the solo-violin appears to confirm that the C finally settle in. In bar the C still sound strong because we really hear it as the consonant note in the chord, but in the bar 71 the C changes from strong comfortable consonant to a relative strong dissonance which really wants to solve up to the D. What the chord needs, IMO, is reinforcement for the C - for example go from Bb to C in Vln. II. With the Vln. II on the C we still have some amount of pain, but with strong relation of the chord to the Vi of the tonic so we feel something like: "Yes, I'm getting much better now - but I'll remember the pain I went through". You know, it's kind of "time fixes everything" idea.

    Anyway, this is your composition and you decide what you want.

    Btw. Just to be clear - I like this piece!
    Ok, Now THAT does make a lot of sense. I'll change that cluster chrord in the score- but probably won't fix the recording until after the contest is over. I need to work on my contest pieces now. Thanks again for all your comments and help. This is why I love this forum.

    Jerry Wickham
    MacBook Pro Intel Core 2 Duo 2.5ghz 4GB Ram OSX 10.5.8
    Korg TritonLe & MAudio Oxygen 8
    T3, Logic 9, DP7, K2, GPO4, Strad, Gofriller, C&MB, Finale 2010

    My Website!
    New Film Scores!
    Also, Ever think about having your very own personal documentary? See my new Website!
    http://www.mylegacyfilm.com


  9. #9

    Smile Re: "Lament" Revised

    No problem Jerry - just glad to be able to help a little.
    Sincerely,
    Falcon1


    icelandphotoblog.com
    my cafepress store
    my fine art print store
    my music store

    Please support your fellow musician from Iceland where the currency has fallen 70% against USD and 90% against EURO! Every dollar or euro counts!


  10. #10

    Smile Re: "Lament" Revised

    Hey all!

    Here is the alternate version of the newly revised Lament! (really all that is altered from the revised version is just the ending) I have taken Falcon's advice and place a C in the Violin II in measure 71 and have ended with a C-Major chord.

    Let me know which version you like better. I like them both now - and am having a bit of trouble deciding which I want to keep.
    Mp3:
    Lament-rev-b.mp3 (4.8 megs)
    Score:
    Lament-rev-b.pdf (115k)
    All comments are welcomed. I think that I have spent as much time on this as I am going to for a while - Gotta get on those contest pieces!!! ( As if I had a snowball's chance!!)

    Thanks to EVERYONE, Jerry
    MacBook Pro Intel Core 2 Duo 2.5ghz 4GB Ram OSX 10.5.8
    Korg TritonLe & MAudio Oxygen 8
    T3, Logic 9, DP7, K2, GPO4, Strad, Gofriller, C&MB, Finale 2010

    My Website!
    New Film Scores!
    Also, Ever think about having your very own personal documentary? See my new Website!
    http://www.mylegacyfilm.com


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