Presenting Garritan Personal Orchestra 2: Real Edition
"Now you can have the supreme quality of GPO 1, with all the hassles of a real orchestra! So good, I own the company!" - Gary Garritan.
- For the first 20 minutes of use each session, the entire orchestra will be badly out of tune. This will slowly correct itself over the next two hours up to the union-mandated coffee break, after which the process will begin again.
- During extensive brass passages, a pool of spit will form under your PC (don't forget to order Garritan Plastic Insulating Mat and extra Garritan Supa-Absorb Cloths - sold separately).
- Advanced algorithms ensure that there is a 1 in 100 chance of the percussion knocking their table of toys over. This drops to 1/30 if GPO is being used live. Take the predictability out of Orchestral recording with GPO2 Real Edition. If your piece ends with a dramatic climax, Garritan RealPercussion will ensure that at least one stick, mallet or beater drops loudly on the floor just after the final crescendo, defusing the moment and turning awe into laughter.
- if the built-in GPS receiver detects that GPO is being used outside its normal studio, the OnTour algorithm ensures a somewhat thinner sound, accurately simulating the missing instruments that the players swear they loaded into flight cases but which are mysteriously missing now. A random selection of players will be struck down with tropical diseases (due to a 'bug', these even happens in temperate areas).
- If GPO detects a DAT or other recording device, RealAudience inserts lifelike coughing sounds, adjustable from 'light cold' to 'oh my God I'm dying of tuberculosis'.
- RealFX(tm); During quiet dynamic passages, RealFX(tm) will ensure that at least one violin section member drops their bow and another kicks their rosin over by accident. The software ensures a 1 in 500 chance that a violin peg will slip, randomly detuning all the notes on that string.
- Music College Edition - a cut-price version with RealRehearsalEnvironment technology, you'll hear rehearsal room doors banging in lifelike 7.1 stereo, the sounds of trains rumbling by every 2 minutes, and irate student conductors trying to get an orchestra together for a rehearsal. N.b. Music College Edition must be used at temperatures below 50 degress F.
- RealDynamics - For a bit of fun, set the level of the orchestra down to 'training youth orchestra' and listen as they misinterpret crescendi for dimminuendi and all manner of hilarious key signature problems.
- If used after midday, the brass and percussion will have had a few, so RealAle ensures that even stacatto passages drag and slur. The effect becomes more pronounced as time progresses.
But that's not all! Order before Christmas and we'll throw in a Tom & Gary 'G-Men' Crime Fighting Duo Action Figure Set (palatial mansion sold separately)!
All this for only $250! (Orcas Island residents please add 180% sales tax.)