Here comes Canada!!!
My wife and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary tonight. We had a nice dinner, roses, and watched 3 episodes of Babylon 5 (our fave). I’m a bit baked but unable to sleep.We had a lot of fun. Given my mental instability, it is a times like these that I think of Doomsday scenarios. Therefore, I humbly present to you:
THE RISE AND FALL OF THE GREAT CANADIAN EMPIRE (A TIMELINE).
July, 2015: Increasingly annoyed by the loud neighbors, the Canadian Government decides that enough is enough. Plans are draw up to invade the continental United States.
January, 2016: Plans are put into action but aborted due to a particularly good hockey season.
Late August, 2017: Giga Studio patch 3.05 released. Canadian based website Northern Sounds traffic clogs American internet access. An opportunity presents itself.
2nd October, 2017: Canadian military forces, under cover of broad daylight, pour over the border into the northern United States. The operation, dubbed “Shut the Hell up”, is assisted by Canadian Mounties numbering in the tens of tens. The initial stages of the operation go flawlessly aside from a slight slowdown around the Minneapolis area where the Canadians are surprised by a great sale on sporting goods at the local outlets. Wool flannels in the half-off section? This re-enforces the rightness of their cause, and the obstacle is overcome.
20th October 2017: With the U.S. military scattered through out the world, the U.S. is left defenseless, and caught completely by surprise. The march South continues.
21st October 2017: Some resistance encountered in a small region of Ohio. The Canadian army commander decides to bypass the area completely, telling the Canadian Prime Minister that laying siege to Cleveland “would just be silly”.
4th November 2017: A Major hang-up in the offensive as the Imperial Canadian Army moves east towards New Jersey. No one has exact change for the tolls, and the provided map of the area did not include the exit number for “that really good rout to Trenton”. Decision is made to forget about New Jersey.
7th November 2017: Crowds in New York cheer the liberators as they move into the city. People lay roses in front of the Canadian tanks. New York Mayor cedes governorship of New York to Canada in exchange for filling the pot holes around the bridges leading into Manhattan. Crowds rejoice.
9th December 2017: Parts of Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, and Louisiana are left alone because, as the Commander put it, “It just doesn’t smell right around here”
11th December 2017: Conquest of North America complete.
12th December 2017: Naps, Cookouts etc.
13th December 2017: Canada annexes Europe and all of the former Soviet Union. The Russians are impressed with the Stubby beer bottle and won over, The English were just too tired to resist, and everyone else just went with whatever England did. France protested, but backed off when promised their own CHL franchise and some really nice wool flannels. Canada later said that there was a misunderstanding and clarified that all of Europe did not include France and that France would continue to be a sovereign nation. The French protested.
4th January 2018: Palestinians demand a state. Cleveland and New Jersey are offered. Palestinians say they prefer bondage.
20th January 2018: World Domination Complete.
Summer 2074: Rush Begins 100th Anniversary Tour.
21st January 2112: Height of Canadian Empire.
22nd January 2112: Quebec Succeeds from Canada. Empire Falls.
23rd January 2112: Greenland senses an opportunity….
"So what if some parts of life are a crap shoot? Get out there and shoot the crap." -- Neil Peart