• Register
  • Help
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 12

Topic: Time for a joke...

  1. #1
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    West Seneca, NY

    Time for a joke...

    Let's see, hmmmm oh yeah!

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

  2. #2

    Re: Time for a joke...

    A string walks into a bar and says to the bartender... "I'll have a beer"
    the bartender says... "we don't serve string here"
    the string persists, and again says... "come on, just gimme a beer"
    at this point the bartender motions for the bouncer to take him out, and with that,... out into the street the string went!

    The string picks himself up, dusts himself off, fluffs up his hair real big trying to look different, he then strolls back into the bar and says to the bartender... "I would like to have a beer sir"
    with that, the bartender says... "hey, aren't you the same string that was just in here?"
    The string replies... "nope, I'm a fraid knot"

  3. #3

    Cool Re: Time for a joke...

    Two blondes decide to take a road trip to Disneyland.
    As they got near the exit on the highway they see a sign that says `Disneyland left'. So they went home.

    Zank you all very mach. I vill be here all za veek.
    We are the music makers, we are the dreamers of dreams …
    24" 2.4 Ghz iMac, OSX 10.4.10, MOTU 828 MKII, 2 Glyph 250 Gig external drives, Logic 9, Finale 2008 GPO, JABB, Strad, Gro, Reason 4, EWQL Storm Drum, Adrenaline, Symphonic Choirs, SO Gold,All Arturia Synths, Many NI Synths, Spectrasonics Synths, KH Strings, VEPro on a Windows 7 4x 2.8 Ghz 12 gig of RAM

  4. #4
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    West Seneca, NY

    Re: Time for a joke...

    You're getting too old when;
    - You're usually interested in going home before you get to where you're going.

    - You're good on a trip for at least an hour without your aspirin, antacid...

    - You're the first one to find the bathroom wherever you go.

    - You're awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

    - You're smiling all the time because you can't hear a word you're saying.

    - You're very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

    - You're aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as yours.

    - You're so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

    - You're not grouchy, just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...

    - You're positive you did housework correctly before the Internet.

    - You're sure everything you can't find is in a secure place.

    - You're wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just You're left leg.

    - You're having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

    - You're realizing that aging is not for sissies.

    - You're walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

    - You're sure they are making adults much younger these days.

    - You're in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.

    - You're wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could you be alive at 150?

    - You're anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

    - You're a walking storeroom of facts... you've just lost the key to the storeroom.

    - You're a Senior Citizen and you think You're having the time of my life... Aren't you?
    - You're the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

    - You're very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    West Seneca, NY

    Re: Time for a joke...

    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300o C. The Russians used a pencil.

    Go figure...

  6. #6

    Re: Time for a joke...

    (I originally posted this in another thread, but I moved it to the 'Joke' thread because I thought it'd be more appropriate.)

    Ok Styxx, well, maybe sum good ol' fashioned JAZZ MATH will cheer you up:

    1. If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo at which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn down his amp.

    2. 2 (diddles) = paradiddle

    3. {(New + York) squared - (NewNew + Yorkyork + Yorknew) + New York + 2 (Ride + Sally) - Sally} divided by (less than five seconds) = medley from hell

    4. (1/vocalist's experience in years) x (# of beats per measure) x 32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats, per chorus.

    5. If x = piano's deviance from being in tune, y = volume level of drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by pianist on break, then (d ) (xyz /pay of the gig, in dollars), predicts the probability of pianist urinating in his instrument.

    6. "Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # people in audience <# of musicians on bandstand, then pay per musician <one individual cover charge.

    7. "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of the instrument.

    8. "Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) v (# of jazz vocalists who sing "Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime" among tunes most despised by instrumentalists.

    9. "Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = square root of all evil.

    10. "Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita + prime rib/limp egg rolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high society gig/Elks Club gig

    11. How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions: drive 90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up two hours in advance; load in through slimy kitchen accessed by treacherous outdoor staircase; and play four hours of continuous crappy dance favorites for drunk rich people?

    Would you take it for 1/2 that much? (If yes): Desperation/pride >1

    After you bid on the above gig for 1/3 your worth, a college student offers to play the same gig for 1/2 as much. You are 12 times as good as him, but 1/2 as good-looking. The client has a tin ear. Who will get the job? Why do you bother practicing?

    12. Jam session + eighth-note rest = missed opportunity.

    13. Jam session + (quarter-note rest or greater) = band on break.

    14. If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 at mm = 180, and the drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8 measures to mm = 150, does the pianist still suck?

    15. If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will attractive women notice? Will the drummer?

    16. If a successful attorney earns 3x as much as a successful musician, but the musician believes his work is 4x as fulfilling, who actually has larger genit_lia?

    17. Your trio is set up in a perfect equilateral triangle. A singer sets up exactly in the middle. Will the three of you be divided against the singer, or against one another?

    18. If (% of Americans who like jazz) = (% of Americans who like chain saw sculptures), what is America's most important indigenous art form?

    19. # (notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad) is proportional to # (drinks he has consumed).

    20. 4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + (4.667) + 4 + (x, where x is unknown) = 1 chorus trading with drummer.

    21. (2 + 5 + 1) x (# of freshman college jazz students, internationally) = annual income of Jamie Aebersold, in dollars.

    22. Infinity = (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) ....

    23. 5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = drummer's gig

    24. If (# of drinks consumed, per musician) > (# of drinks comped by club), then unrest will prevail unless (cost per drink) <1/20 (pay for gig).

    25. 1 up tempo tune + 1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = x (fights among horn players to solo first)

    26. 1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x (Percocets) = >1 cleared house, where x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties.

    ----by the way, this math comes complements of Bill Anschell
    <not me!!>


  7. #7

    Wink Re: Time for a joke...

    A group of people of short stature (a few decades ago we would have said "midgets") got together, and got on the topic of how everything in the world was made for taller people. More and more of them drifted into the conversation, bringing up example after example of how inconvenient it was for them to use standard toilets, kitchen sinks, beds, etc. After several hours, it occurred to them that they should take action. The group formed an organization, and took as its first goal the design and provision of housing suitable for all people of short stature.

    They sent delegates to each senator and representative, and lobbied for the creation of a housing development designed on their scale. After much effort and publicity, Congress gave in and funded the project. A housing development was designed and built specially for persons of short stature, with toilets, steps, kitchen counters, and furniture all of appropriate height.

    Another problem arose: because everything had been custom-designed and built, the entire development was enormously expensive. Nearly all of the organization members were unable to afford rent in the development, much less outright purchase of one of the houses. So, the organization met again, and decided they had to lobby Congress again and obtain the right to stay in the development for free.

    Again, they sent delegates to each senator and representative, pointing out that nobody else could live in the development, and that they could not afford to price. Congress finally relented, on the condition that they find an appropriate name for the development (they were tired of calling it "the development").

    So, the organization met again, and thought long and hard about an appropriate name for their housing development. Name after name was proposed, and rejected. Finally, one wit proposed the name, ultimately accepted by all:

    "The Stay-Free Mini-pads".

    You may now groan.
    Grant Green ||| www.contrabass.com
    Sarrusophones and other seismic devices

  8. #8
    Senior Member squoze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004

    Re: Time for a joke...

    Pardon me if this was told here before...

    C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
    Bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."
    The E-flat gets mad and leaves and the C and G have an open fifth between them.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    West Seneca, NY

    Talking Re: Time for a joke...

    A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

    A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" (This joke never gets old)

    A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

  10. #10
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    West Seneca, NY

    Re: Time for a joke...

    What is brown and lives in a bell tower?

    The lunch bag of Notre Dame.

Go Back to forum


Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts