An email just came my way with this little gem. I thought it was a real hoot. If you all have seen this, (I usually get these things about a year after they have made there internet rounds) I apologize.
MUSICIANS ARE EXPERT MIND READERS
When requesting a song from the band, just say "play
my song!" We have a chip implanted in our heads with
an unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every
patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever
recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the
challenge. If we do not remember exactly what tune you
want, we're only kidding.
Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming.
Hum harder if need be... it helps jog the memory
If a band tells you they do not know a song you want
to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or
they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words
for the band. Any words will do.
It also helps to scream your request from across the
room several times per set followed by the phrases,
"AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand
gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor
are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or
your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog
a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the
status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."
Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and
never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk
on stage with no prior thought to what they will do
once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy,
even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the
hook easily. Your request is all that matters.
If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks
ago, the next band that follows will automatically
know every metal tune the previous band ever played,
even if the current band is a blues or country band.
It's the law. Feel free to yell "AC/DC!" or "SLAYER!"
to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz for
example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful
Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.
When an entertainer leans over to hear you better,
grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly
into their ear, while holding their head securely so
they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an
invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of
war between their head and your hands. Don't give up!
Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits.
Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they
usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar
players. Keyboard players are protected by their
instrument,and only play the game when tricked into
coming out from behind their keyboards. Though
difficult to get them play, it's not impossible, so
keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the
break between songs.
TALKING WITH THE BAND
The best time to discuss anything with the band in any
meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all
band members are singing at the same time. Our hearing
is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice
from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around
Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician
does not reply to your question or comment during a
tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your
mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to
scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the
words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be
fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer
questions and sing at the same time. If the singer
doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless
of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they
are purposely ignoring you. If this happens,
immediately cop an attitude. We love this.
HELPING THE BAND
If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band
will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or
however long you can remain standing on stage. Just
pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to
walk up on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker
you are, the better you sound, and the louder you
If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl
back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that
nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing,
fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played
out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the
challenge. The band always needs the help and will
take this as a compliment.
Remember to allow enough time to make it from the
stage to the bathroom in case of an emergency. On
stage accidents are bad form. The band will carry on.
As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break
and then get on stage and start playing their
instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected
from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that
you have successfully completed your audition. The
band will call you immediately the following day to
offer you a position. See you at the next gig ...