If Microsoft Built Cars
* Occasionally, for no apparent reason:
1. Your car would just die on the motorway for no reason and you'd have to restart it.
2. Executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine.
3. Your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in, until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
For some strange reason, you'd just accept #1, #2 and #3.
* Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. Whenever you bought a new car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days, before it worked. And, whenever they introduced a new model, you would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
* Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on 5% of the roads ... but, the Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars go much slower.
* People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.
* But, there would be some unique features:
1. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single General Car Fault warning light.
2. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?", before going off.
3. There would be an Engium Pro with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
4. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes -- unless, of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.
5. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats ... and new seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
* We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids, but the packaging would be superb.
* If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
* Microsoft wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design, so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.
* Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!
* If you still ran old versions of Car (i.e. CarDOS 6.22 / CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old-fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!
* You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other ... But, if you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friend's and then copy it.
* All car buyers would be required to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a Microsoft subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
And, best of all ...
* You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.