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Topic: Ezz joke time, Yes? No? Maybe?

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  1. #1
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
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    Talking Ezz joke time, Yes? No? Maybe?

    A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him
    two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is
    $10,000." the clerk said.
    "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
    "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
    "And the other?" said the customer.
    "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in
    the back room for $30,000."
    "Holy moly! What does that one do?"
    "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."



    Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
    A: It saves time in the long run.
    Styxx

  2. #2
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
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    Re: Ezz joke time, Yes? No? Maybe?

    Ezz nother juan ...

    Picture This!

    A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open.

    Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?


    Ezz Juanmotime -

    The President’s Puzzle

    Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
    "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
    "Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
    "How long did it take you?"
    "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
    Styxx

  3. #3

    Re: Ezz joke time, Yes? No? Maybe?

    Great jokes!
    Sean Patrick Hannifin
    My MP3s | My Melody Generator | my album
    "serious music" ... as if the rest of us are just kidding

  4. #4
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
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    Re: Ezz joke time, Yes? No? Maybe?

    Ezz Anitamotime -

    Donkey In The Well

    One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

    Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

    He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

    At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

    A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

    As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

    Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

    NOW --------

    Enough of that carp . . .

    The donkey later came back and bit the schighst out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

    MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
    When you do something wrong and try to cover your azz, it always comes back to bite you.
    Styxx

  5. #5

    Re: Ezz joke time, Yes? No? Maybe?

    A farmer and his wife were riding home in a carriage after just being married.

    One of the horses pulling the carriage stumbled a little. The farmer sighed and said "That's once."

    Later on, the same horse stumbled again, to which the farmer replied "That's twice!"

    All seemed to be going fine when the horse stumbled yet again. The farmer, without saying a word, pulled out his rifle and shot the horse dead.

    The farmers wife was shocked! She looked at her new husband and said "How could you do that to such an innocent horse? I can't believe you just shot him like that!"

    The farmer sighed and said "That's once."

    Sean Patrick Hannifin
    My MP3s | My Melody Generator | my album
    "serious music" ... as if the rest of us are just kidding

  6. #6
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
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    Re: Ezz joke time, Yes? No? Maybe?

    Heh, Heh, heh, heh, ... that's twice ...
    Excellent.

    Oh Grandma

    The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

    The grandmother was curious.

    "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

    The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
    Styxx

  7. #7
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
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    Re: Ezz joke time, Yes? No? Maybe?

    Lost Wife

    Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.

    One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."
    "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

    "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

    "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm b##bs and a tight ace.

    What's your wife look like?"

    "Never mind, let's look for yours!"
    Styxx

  8. #8

    Re: Ezz joke time, Yes? No? Maybe?

    A 911 operator received a call late one night:

    The caller said, "Hi, 911? I've got an emergency! My friend and I were out hunting and my friend has just collapsed. I don't know what to do, I'm pretty sure he's dead!"

    "Well," the 911 operator said, "calm down. The first thing to do is to make sure he's dead."

    After a silent pause, the operator heard a shot ring out through the phone. The man's voice came back on and said "Now what?"

    Sean Patrick Hannifin
    My MP3s | My Melody Generator | my album
    "serious music" ... as if the rest of us are just kidding

  9. #9

    Re: Ezz joke time, Yes? No? Maybe?

    What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
    The bull has the horns in the front and the arshole in the back.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
    The conductor. Business before pleasure.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
    They've had so little use.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
    The sack.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
    Not enough concrete.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
    The good news: it crashed.
    The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
    Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
    There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
    About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why is a conductor like a condom?
    It's safer with one, but more fun without.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What's the difference between God and a conductor?
    God knows He's not a conductor.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
    A mouse trying to become a rat.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
    Some conductors actually read Greek.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What do do with a horn player that can't play?
    Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
    What do you do if he can't do that?
    Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What's the difference between an opera conductor and a baby?
    A baby sucks its fingers.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply.

    The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A musician arrived at the pearly gates.

    "What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter.

    "I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra"

    "Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal."

    So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?"

    "Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."

  10. #10

    Talking Re: Ezz joke time, Yes? No? Maybe?

    With apologies to all violists in the house...

    How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

    How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? Put it in a viola case.

    What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

    1. The viola burns longer.
    2. The viola holds more beer.
    3. You can tune the violin.
    We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer? It's usually still in the case.


    How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? Write a whole note with "solo" above it.


    How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando? Mark it "solo."


    What do you do with a dead violist? Move him back a desk.


    What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.


    What's the difference between a viola and an onion? No one cries when you cut up a viola.


    What's the definition of a minor second? Two violists playing in unison.


    What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?" Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.


    Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses? They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.


    ... and there's more where those came from...

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