1. Stop giving me that pop-up for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days ... mowing my lawn!
2. Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of ***** chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain, Trout?
3. If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the card are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men!
4. Ladies, leave your eyebrows along. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? OKay, we're done.
5. There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste! Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt ... that's your flavored water!
6. Stop messing with old people! Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square with a bigger label. The top is now on the bottom and by the time Grandpa figures out how to open it his ace will be in the morgue.
Congradulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
7. I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my Pin number, pressing Enter, verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my ALmond Joy.
8. I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&M's, I'll go nuts and eat two!
9. If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie!
10. No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now, it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving ... it's the white people version of looting.
11. This one is long overdue. No more bathroom attendents! After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had ... well you get the idea. I can't tell if he's supposed to be there or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.