Morning Sam! Morning Ralph!
Jokes to brighten your morning, day, afternoon, evening or when ever!
Church Bulletin Bloopers:
"For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
"The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."
"The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."
"Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door."
"Anointing of the sick ... If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request."
"The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."
The sermon title this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH
The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD
The sermon this morning: GOSSIP ... THE SPEAKING OF EVIL
The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY
The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES # 3 ... EUTHANASIA
The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE
There was once a Canadian bird who decided he didn’t want to fly south for the winter. He decided it was nonsense to go all the way down south when he could just stay right where he was at. So he stayed behind. Well after awhile, it got kind of cold. Finally, he could take it no more and decided to fly south after all. As he was flying through the air, ice began to form on his wings to the point where he could no longer fly so he glided down and landed in a barnyard.
So here is the bird, he’s half frozen in a barnyard and at the point of death. About that time along comes a cow who walks right over the bird and drops a "plop" on him. Now the bird is really disgusted. He’s half frozen, dying, and now he has this "plop" on him. After a short time though, the ice begins to melt off of the bird. He starts to get warm under that "plop." He begins to think to himself, "It’s getting warm. I’m going to live! I’m going to live!" Then right there underneath that "plop" he starts to sing little bird songs> He’s now happy once again.
About that time a cat comes along and hears this noise coming from underneath this "plop." He moves the stuff off the bird and eats the bird.
There are three morals to the story:
1. Not everyone who drops a "plop" on you is necessarily your enemy
2. Not everyone who moves it off of you is necessarily your friend
3. And if someone does drop a "plop" on you, keep your mouth shut.
Dumb Questions from Lawyers
The following questions by lawyers were taken from actual court documents in America:
· "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
· "Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?"
· Q: "What happened then?"
A: "He told me, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Q: "And did he kill you?"
· "Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
· "The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?"
· "Were you alone or by yourself?"
· "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
· Q: "I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?"
A: "That’s me."
Q: "Were you present when he picture was taken?"
· "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
· Q: "Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated ?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
· Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
A: "I’ll be three months on November 8th."
Q: "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Q: "What were you doing at that time?
· "So you were gone until you returned?"
· Q: "She had three children right?"
Q: "How many were boys?"
Q: "Were there any girls?"
· "Mrs. Jones, how many times have you committed suicide?"
· "You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
· Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
· Q: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?"
A: "The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Edington was dead at that time?"
EDIT: Speaking of church builitan bloopers, one week we sang two hymns that had the EXACT same words, all 4 verses. Just one of them had a chorus and the other didn't. It was really cool, though. Once was calm and mellow, and the other bright and peppy. One hymn was "Alas! And did my Savior Bleed" and I don't remmeber the other, but the first line is "Alas! And did my Savior Bleed?"