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Topic: Announcing: The Garritan Primitive Music Sample Library

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2000
    Orcas Island

    Announcing: The Garritan Primitive Music Sample Library

    You have all seen the commercials

    "So easy a Caveman can do it!"

    But did you know cavemen utilized language and tools, practiced religious rituals and even played musical instruments.

    "There's overwhelming evidence that Neanderthals were musically inclined," according to Dr. Erek Tikus of the Institute of Neanderthal Music (INM) at NSU Department of Paleomusicology.

    Evidence shows our early ancestors played in groups. The first artifact is a piece of a bone from a sabertooth tiger, which has 4 evenly-spaced holes which looks like it could have been a flute. There were other instruments found at the same dig, among them:
    • Hollowed stones that could have formed early drums,
    • Curved mammoth tusks used as an early type of eubonium,
    • Bows and arrows used as harps,
    • A rattle made out of teeth,
    • An accordion-like instrument made from the bladder of a large animal,
    • Some kind of animal horn used as an early trumpet,
    • A collection of hollowed-out bones of different lengths suggesting a xylopbone,
    • Flint stones inside several Neanderthal skulls that seemed to have been used as an early form of maracas.
    Experts disagree as to whether some of these were genuine musical instruments or not.

    In southwest France the first known Neanderthal cave painting was discovered showing early musical notation and what looked like musicians playing a variety of primitive instruments.

    Through special arrangements with INM and Dr. Erek Tikus, Garritan libraries has the exclusive rights to sample this extensive collection of Neanderthal musical instruments.

    The Garritan Primitive Music Sample Library will use ancient NT technology and is expected to be the first library made for Kontakt Player 3.

  2. #2

    Re: Announcing: The Garritan Primitive Music Sample Library

    I happen to know that some of the original band members are still hanging out, and it seems to me that you have an obligation to pay them something in exchange for using the instruments they spent so much of their time developing.

    Fruits and nuts won't do this time! All of the known Neanderthals still roaming around are Born Again Carnivores! You might create a stir with the WWF if you offer them Young Yaks, but I'm sure no one would object if you fed them Pure Spam! In fact, most of us can save the Spam we get in our inboxes daily, and forward it all to the Save The Neanderthal Foundation. This would make your new library a truly cooperative and collective (heh! heh!) endeavor!

    Were the Paleomusicologists able to recover any of the ancient scores? Speaking of which, I've got it on reliable sources that some of those bone instruments with multiple holes in them were the result of settling some old scores!

    PS: At the rate we're going, NIKP3 may wind up as ancient history before it's released.

    Hey, that guy second from the left is my brother-in-law! Did you get a photo release form signed?

    Please put my name on the "Advance Order" list for this library!


  3. #3

    Re: Announcing: The Garritan Primitive Music Sample Library

    Gary, very funny

    that's one of the best AF day jokes


  4. #4

    Re: Announcing: The Garritan Primitive Music Sample Library

    Heheh good one.

    But seriously, when can I buy it? I could get some real use out of that library!


  5. #5

    Re: Announcing: The Garritan Primitive Music Sample Library

    The keyboard represents evolution's first steps: the modwheel is used to be on the right-hand side! The world used to be filled with left-handed virtuoso players, who seem to have died during the time.

  6. #6

    Re: Announcing: The Garritan Primitive Music Sample Library

    I think the early musicians mostly evolved into drummers...

  7. #7

    Re: Announcing: The Garritan Primitive Music Sample Library

    Quote Originally Posted by tmonaghan
    I think the early musicians mostly evolved into drummers...
    Are you sure they've even evolved?


  8. #8

    Re: Announcing: The Garritan Primitive Music Sample Library

    Ouch, Karl!! That one hurt! Right in the old kisser...

    Jonny (Reeling from the bad drummer joke) Lost
    For more information, check out www.jonathoncox.com/intro.html

    "The trouble with music appreciation in general is that people are taught to have too much respect for music they should be taught to love it instead." - Igor Stravinsky

  9. #9
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    West Seneca, NY

    Talking Re: Announcing: The Garritan Primitive Music Sample Library

    Will it come with its own "Uhg 2" controller?
    (Rummer has it a series based on those caveman gents is in the works.)

  10. #10

    Re: Announcing: The Garritan Primitive Music Sample Library

    Deep in a cave that had once been the bowels of the remains of a Neanderthal bar, mixed up among empty bottles of bourbone, musicalologists have made a mildly curious discovery...a document that will forever slightly modify the path taken by musicalology, at least for a while.


    The manuscript, drenched in French Neanderthal bourbone, is entitled "A DISCORD IN BARS." (The letters "RD" appear to have been added after the fact, making the probable title "A DISCO IN BARS.") The composer is identified as SSNWSKI (vowels hadn't been fully integrated into the written language yet), and it was signed "EightBux."

    Braving the fumes in the cave, the musicalologists also found a piece of primitive art on a wall next to the manuscript:

    This find is puzzling, since police blotters would not appear for at least another 2000 years. It is believed to be a drawing of SSNWSKI, to whom the manuscript described above is attributed.

    Curiouser and curiouser, a small tablet appears next to the manuscript and drawing. Chiseled in are the following:

    1 Bottle of Bourbone.......2 Bux
    2 Marshtinis..................2 Bux
    1 Tusk of Abonetillado....2 Bux
    2 Tarpit Tonsil Toasters..2 Bux
    TOTAL BAR TAB.............8 Bux

    Putting the puzzle pieces together, the musicalologists have deduced that SSNWSKI's manuscript, bearing the signature "EightBux," was written in fulfillment of the composer's bar tab.
    Jim Williams
    Professor of Capitalism
    Indianapolis Brass Choir
    All Your Bass Sus&Short Are Belong to Us.

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