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Topic: The World's Worst Orchestral Library

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  1. #1

    The World's Worst Orchestral Library

    Every month or so, somebody starts a thread asking for the best orchestral library. This is fine for normal people, but what about masochists? Wouldn't they be shopping for the worst orchestral library?

    I figure that the World's Worst Orchestral Library (WWOL™) would have:

    * A really, really high price
    * Limited instruments
    * Few articulations
    * Bad tuning
    * Bad performances
    * Bad recording techniques
    * Recorded with lots of reverb that sucks
    * Poor, inconsistent programming
    * Legato? Yeah, right.
    * Really bad demos
    * Locked to a single player - with bugs
    * Has at least one dongle - more would be better
    * Accepting payments today - cash only
    * Isn't shipping yet. No firm date announced.

    Sure, Audio Impressions' Realtime Orchestra Strings is a strong competitor, based on cost per instrument alone. They are accepting a $3,500 deposit on an $11,999 product - strings only, not yet shipping.

    Unfortunately AI is using some good techniques, and might turn out a really nice product someday. That simply won't do.

    Therefore I would like to announce JF's WWOL™. The initial deposit is one million dollars, and the final price and shipping date have not yet been determined. I am not prepared to discuss features that the product lacks, and there are no demos at this time. But, believe me, it really, really sucks. The player really sucks. Everything about it sucks. The 32 required dongles are a fire and health hazard. This library cannot be used in countries that have extradition treaties. Once you purchase this product, I own all rights to everything that you ever have or will compose.

    If you are a wealthy masochistic composer, this is the product for you!

    If you would like to make a deposit on JF's WWOL™, please send me a private message, and I will direct you to my personal Swiss bank deposit procedure.

    You WILL be disappointed.

    JF's WWOL™. Simply the worst.

    NSS Moderators - I know it's against policy to promote sample libs not advertised on NSS, but please don't delete. If I get a single deposit from this, I'll definitely buy some ads!


  2. #2

    Re: The World's Worst Orchestral Library

    Ummm,

    Are you planning a group buy??

  3. #3

    Re: The World's Worst Orchestral Library

    Quote Originally Posted by AlanPerkins
    Are you planning a group buy??
    Yes! For every ten people who sign up, the deposit price increases by $100,000.

    Such a (bad) deal! (The World's Wost.)

    Tell all your wealthy masochistic friends about the JF WWOL™ Group Buy - available immediately!


  4. #4

    Re: The World's Worst Orchestral Library

    Your deal lacks in certain important ways:

    You need some legal fine print concerning guarantees or lack thereof. It should be written in 2pt and preferably in Latin and be 80+ pages.

    The media should ship on 3.5 inch floppies, with one guaranteed to be faulty, and the order misprinted on them (disk 8 is disk 9 for example).

    Freight charges should be carefully planned as to cause frustration for the used to calculate, and there should be a nasty surprise. Delivery should take at least three months.

    The floppies should come with at least one virus, trojan, worm, spyware ad. Purchasing should put you on at least 500 spam lists for everything from penis lengtheners to a medical degree.

    And for every product sold, you promise to cut down 60 amazon hardwood trees and pulp them.

  5. #5

    Re: The World's Worst Orchestral Library

    Oh, and if you work it properly, everyone who buys should automatically get tax audited.

    Instructions should be in Poor English, preferably written in China, and several pages should be missing.

  6. #6

    Re: The World's Worst Orchestral Library

    Well, there is ONE good thing about this whole deal:

    As the library is only 5 MB (yes MB) in size, it's a quick install!

  7. #7

    Re: The World's Worst Orchestral Library

    Quote Originally Posted by AlanPerkins
    Oh, and if you work it properly, everyone who buys should automatically get tax audited.

    Instructions should be in Poor English, preferably written in China, and several pages should be missing.
    I are live at Hong Kong so I has to written the menu (am I eligible????? )

    But Jon you forgot to mention why your lib requires 32 dongles!

    I bet how this library is programmed is that you need ONE dedicated machine just to run ONE SINGLE articulation per instrument.

    Sorry, your requirement should be 512 dongles at least!

    Your package should include a house with all the computers installed (networking and HD's not included) so you can sell the whole package for 100 million dollars.

    Cheers
    Frankie
    Dell Precision T3500 (Xeon W3520, 12GB RAM) / Windows 7 x64 / Sonar 8 / VE Pro / WIVI 2.3 / Kontakt 4 / G-Player 1.2

  8. #8

    Re: The World's Worst Orchestral Library

    The library comes with an instructional video - Betamax, of course.

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    New York, NY
    Posts
    656

    Re: The World's Worst Orchestral Library

    Its about time somebody started a post like this... You get sick after a while of all the good libraries out there.. .Let's hear it for the garbage libraries... I think tha a lot of good suggestions have already been mentioned here...

  10. #10

    Talking Re: The World's Worst Orchestral Library

    And as special bonus.

    The 'North Korean talent plug-in'

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