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Topic: Ot: Styxx, We Need You!

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  1. #1
    Senior Member bigears's Avatar
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    Ot: Styxx, We Need You!

    Now is the time for all good jokesters to come to the aid of their countrymen. It's been a long time in between jokes, Styxx, got any new ones?

    Here are a few recycled ones.....

    Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
    "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
    "Nothing at all, hoss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
    "How long did it take you?"
    "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    President Bush is in his morning meeting when Donald Rumsfeld gets an emergency memo.
    After reading it he turns to the president and says, "Mr. President, I'm afraid we have just received some bad news.
    Yesterday three brazilian soldiers were shot and killed."
    President Bush gets a funny look on his face and then puts his head down on the table and begins crying.
    The staff is in complete shock because they have never seen him show such emotion before.
    Then the president lifts his head off the table and says.
    "So, exactly how many is a brazilian?"
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
    The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
    which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
    The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
    He had no choice but to go under the knife.
    When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
    but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
    He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
    He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
    He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
    The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
    Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
    "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
    Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
    Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
    The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
    Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?
    Been in the business 60 years."
    Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
    Joe walked comfortably around the shop,
    and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
    Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
    The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
    Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
    The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.
    A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine
    and give you one hell of a headache."
    New suit - $400
    New shirt - $36
    New underwear - $6
    Second Opinion - PRICELESS
    Last edited by bigears; 02-13-2008 at 08:08 PM. Reason: may have been offensive to some, sorry!

  2. #2
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
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    Talking Re: Ot: Styxx, We Need You!

    A hunter was in a tree with his muzzle loader when he sees a bear coming down the path. He takes careful aim and fires. The smoke clears and he peers down at the path. No bear! The hunter feels a tap on his shoulder, looks behind him and sees the bear. "Were you trying to kill me?" the bear growls. "No, no, of course not." "I don't believe you" responded the bear. Without another word, the bear throws the hunter over the branch and proceeds to ***** the **** out of him.

    The next day the hunter brought his AR-15. He climbed up the same tree and waited. Sure enough, here came the bear. The hunter lets fly with a dozen rounds. The smokes clears; no bear! TAP, TAP. The hunter slowly looked around at the bear. "Just target shooting, I suppose" says the bear. "Uh, well" the hunter mumbled. Without waiting for another word, the bear throws the hunter over a tree limb and proceeds to ***** him again.

    The next day the hunter borrows a BAR from a friend. He climbs into the tree and waits. The bear arrives and the hunter empties the clip. Smoke clears; no bear. Tap, tap. The hunter looks around again. The bear says, "You really aren't here for the hunting, are you?"
    Styxx

  3. #3

  4. #4
    Senior Member bigears's Avatar
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    Re: Ot: Styxx, We Need You!

    Please don't take offense, you have to admit some of them ring true. I just wanted to see if I could get Styxx on a roll.

  5. #5

    Re: Ot: Styxx, We Need You!

    Not to get too political here, but...

    This is one reason why Barack Obama is more likely to be elected that Hillary. Sexist jokes are still tolerated in this culture. Racist jokes are not. A woman called Hillary a "B" at a McCain rally a few months ago and she went from obscurity to being on national television. People who use the "N" word take the other path - from being on national television to obscurity.

    I'm a Seahawks fan, and occasionally visit a wild, unmoderated forum. Many of the posters routinely call people "gay" or "little girls." However, racism isn't tolerated there for a split second.

    Someday, sexism will no longer be tolerated.

    Until then, I'll just say, "Girls Rock!"

  6. #6

    Re: Ot: Styxx, We Need You!

    This one is for MM:

    A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

    The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

    The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

    The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

    The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

    The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

    The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

  7. #7

    Re: Ot: Styxx, We Need You!

    An elderly couple were driving south (Note: direction is for the geographically impaired) from Albany (NY) to Palisades Park for an outing. Just before they arrived the husband put his hand on his wife's knee and started rubbing it.

    The woman smiled at her husband, and said "Dear, you can go a lot further than that!"



    So he took her to Philadelphia!

  8. #8

    Re: Ot: Styxx, We Need You!

    Quote Originally Posted by renes View Post
    This one is for MM:

    A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

    The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

    The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

    The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

    The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

    The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

    The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."



    p.s... I wish no harm to come to anyone (in case anyone was thinking that )

  9. #9

    Re: Ot: Styxx, We Need You!

    Not a Polish joke:

    The engineer of the Polish train could see no lights because an ice storm had caused a widespread power outage. "We're nearly out of coal," the fireman said. The engineer replied, "We should arrive soon at Gdansk, or Danzig, or whatever they call it these days, so I'll send the porter to buy some more fuel." As the train ground to a halt, he asked the fireman, "Can you read the depot sign in this dim light? Does it say 'Gdansk'?" The fireman replied, "It appears to be 'Danzig' in the dark." The engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"
    In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is.

    http://reberclark.blogspot.com http://reberclark.bandcamp.com http://www.youtube.com/reberclark

  10. #10

    Re: Ot: Styxx, We Need You!

    and my absolute all-time favorite of the week:

    Ed, an unemployed jazz drummer (or is that redundant?), was desperate, for a gig when he ran into his former agent. The agent said, "Ed, there are fantastic opportunities for drummers over in Iraq. Here, take my card, find someway to get over there, and look up a bandleader named Faisal. He's always got work!" Ed bummed money from everyone he knew, got his passport, visas, transportation,
    shipped his drums, and was on his way. When he arrived in Baghdad, he finally found Faisal and, sure enough, as soon as Ed showed him the agent's card, Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile. "You're just in time -- I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment." "Okay," agreed Ed. "But what about a rehearsal?" "No time -- don't worry. They just play standards." Ed arrived a half hour early to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who played instruments he had never before seen. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared, hopped on the bandstand and raised his arm to give the downbeat. Ed shouted, "What are we playing?" Faisal replied, "Fake it! Just give me a fat backbeat on 7 and 13!"
    In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is.

    http://reberclark.blogspot.com http://reberclark.bandcamp.com http://www.youtube.com/reberclark

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