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Topic: Let Me Out Of Here!

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  1. #1
    Senior Member fastlane's Avatar
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    Let Me Out Of Here!

    I recently moved in with my mother as a care giver and as way to legally keep her ranch in the family.

    I didn't realize how much her mental state has deteriorated. She has always been an insensitive authoritarian with a obsessive-compulsive complex but her defibrillator issues have resulted in short term memory loss and she also has increasing dementia. She has become paranoid of our intentions and really doesn't want me here. She is doing the opposite of what we ask her not to do for here own safety and cannot comprehend what is actually going on. She doesn't want to give up her independence and authority but her mind is slipping into an abyss.

    My youngest brother just lives down the road and must know where she is at mentally but he's quite eccentric and impractical sometimes. He's just thinking about waiting a few years until real estate picks up but my mother is getting crazier by the day. She also has other health issues and is becoming a danger to herself.

    We are under snow right now and I'll be busy with storm clean up for the week after it clears but then we need to make some hard choices and I need to move back to my home sweet home. My daughter and her boyfriend are there right now after doing a switch-a-roo with me so we'll have to work that one out. Luckily I left the utilities in my name and just need to move my phone back which I don't even have yet because of delays from the snow and cancel my Comcast internet service here.

    I'm out of here ASAP!



    Phil

  2. #2

    Re: Let Me Out Of Here!

    Oh man... That's so bad to hear. I can only imagine what you must be going through!

    I doubt I have anything useful to provide really, apart from some cold hearted 'advice': Maybe it would be best for your mother to be taken care by experts of some sort? An elder home? A hospital maybe? etc? My folks are quite old (into their mid 70s), and I do also know that my mother does NOT want to be put into care. But, seeing that I have a life, a family to care for, etc, leaves me little choice in all honesty. Right now she's fine, but I am starting to realise the problems with older age.

    Either way, all my wishes to you and may you reunite with your family and your lovely home very soon. Best wishes to your mother as well.

  3. #3
    Senior Member rwayland's Avatar
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    Re: Let Me Out Of Here!

    Well, I can understand your concerns. It certainly is a situation that develops all too often. I have no advice except do what seems proper and best and won't keep you awake wondering if you did right!

    A bit off the issue: Mid seventies does not strike me as extreme old age. Many people live well past that with no need for a care facility (my parents, for example). My father was perfectly rational and physically sound except for lung cancer because of years of exposure to asbestos in the shipyards. He died at 85. My mother died at 3 weeks short of 90, was quite rational until the last few hours. Physically, problems were minimal, primarily very poor vision. My age is 77, mentally, I can solve problems as easy as always, maybe easier (IQ high enough to scare my mother and teachers). Physcially, no problems that have not been present since childhood. Well, I move a bit slower. So you see why I don't consider seventies so old!

    I suppose I should accept that genetics have a lot to do with the aging process.

    Richard

  4. #4
    Senior Member fastlane's Avatar
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    Re: Let Me Out Of Here!

    Nickolas said
    Oh man... That's so bad to hear. I can only imagine what you must be going through!

    I doubt I have anything useful to provide really, apart from some cold hearted 'advice': Maybe it would be best for your mother to be taken care by experts of some sort? An elder home? A hospital maybe? etc? My folks are quite old (into their mid 70s), and I do also know that my mother does NOT want to be put into care. But, seeing that I have a life, a family to care for, etc, leaves me little choice in all honesty. Right now she's fine, but I am starting to realize the problems with older age.

    Either way, all my wishes to you and may you reunite with your family and your lovely home very soon. Best wishes to your mother as well.


    __________________
    Yes, it was very stressful giving up my own home even temporarily to move here. My mother is almost 86 years old and could live well into her nineties as her father and all his siblings did. She is about where her father was at 86 as far as senility but my step grandmother was 18 years younger than him so she could take over as he lost his faculties.

    The biggest problem is her short term memory loss which is like an eraser constantly moving across a chalk board. You can get her to agree about something but a little later it's all gone.

    One idea is to disconnect the wood and kitchen stoves and just let her use the microwave oven and have someone come in for care as needed. My daughter is a professional care giver right now and could help out. But what if she sinks quickly and needs constant care.

    We'll have to sit down and work this out.


    Phil

  5. #5

    Re: Let Me Out Of Here!

    Phil,
    my heart goes out to you...
    Dan

  6. #6
    Senior Member fastlane's Avatar
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    Re: Let Me Out Of Here!

    Richard said

    Well, I can understand your concerns. It certainly is a situation that develops all too often. I have no advice except do what seems proper and best and won't keep you awake wondering if you did right!
    It's probably best to error on the side of caution. I think we'll just sell the house and move her into the best facility she can afford. She isn't going to get better.


    bit off the issue: Mid seventies does not strike me as extreme old age. Many people live well past that with no need for a care facility (my parents, for example). My father was perfectly rational and physically sound except for lung cancer because of years of exposure to asbestos in the shipyards. He died at 85. My mother died at 3 weeks short of 90, was quite rational until the last few hours. Physically, problems were minimal, primarily very poor vision. My age is 77, mentally, I can solve problems as easy as always, maybe easier (IQ high enough to scare my mother and teachers). Physcially, no problems that have not been present since childhood. Well, I move a bit slower. So you see why I don't consider seventies so old!
    My mother was fine in her mid seventies and was caring for my step father who was in poor health when she married him. We rode down to the courthouse with him where they were married after knowing each other for a few weeks. Twice he almost got into an accident from poor judgement while driving there and back. The guy had or later developed Parkinson's, a half a stomach from ulcers, cancer of the bone marrow and prostate and multiple strokes.

    Her big mistake was to try and walk three miles home from church a few years ago with a heart defibrillator. It went off ten times and her brain suffered significant oxygen loss.

    I'm sure the stress from being a nurse caused her heart problems. She woke up the other night from a night mare about work and it's been about twenty five year since she worked.

    Constant stress will kill you as quickly as anything.



    Phil

  7. #7
    Senior Member fastlane's Avatar
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    Re: Let Me Out Of Here!

    Dan

    Thanks!

    Life is just one big adustment.



    Phil

  8. #8
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    Re: Let Me Out Of Here!

    Looks like traffic in the slow lane for a while and I am not happy to say it. Both parents died with Alzheimer's. The mother took care of the father. She had to go to a care center. The family stood by, brothers and sisters, passive sorrow. When she was found with her own feces piled on her stomach, arranged so she could eat it, someone had to pull the plug.
    Inevitably one of you will face a similarity one day.

    The choice is tough, but necessary. Professional care, then last decision. It is odd that there is no joy in doing the right thing.

    I hope, perhaps, it will be better for you and yours.

    My very best understanding,
    tony h
    tony h
    Master Comp. P5 deluxe intel dual core, Windows XP Pro, 4G ram, HD's=OS Audio, two samples, Cubase 3/4 , GVI Kirk Hunter Concert strings, KH Concert brass, Emerald, Miroslav strings, brass, Quantum Leap brass. DAW and Master comp by pcaudiolabs- Slave Comp for VI only, Gigabyte Intel ,8G ram, ethernet, Windows Vista Ultimatex64, VI Ensemble,VI SE Appasionata strings.

  9. #9

    Re: Let Me Out Of Here!

    I took care of my aging mother for over 10 years. The situation you find yourself in is not that unusual. And it can get very tough, as you're just starting to realize.

    You don't mention her doctor(s). You should arrange for her primary care doctor to call you after hours and find out exactly what her health problems are, and what you can expect in the future. Does she have Alzheimers? There are drugs which can help (my mom was taking Aricept).

    Ask the doctor if there are local organizations that provide outreach services covered by Medicare. If s/he doesn't know, visit your local hospital. These organizations visit her house, make sure it is safe, make suggestions, and can even have a nurse visit her once a week to make sure she is ok.

    Is she ever alone? Consider one of those Emergency Alert services (they're cheap), where she can summon help even if she's far from the
    phone.

    Finally, make the house as safe as possible for her. Remove throw rugs or anything she can trip over. Consider installing a chair in the shower and something to grab onto to steady herself. Are there stairs? That's a whole other problem. If she falls and breaks a hip or leg, you will become a full-time servant (including bedpan duty).

    You can only do this alone for so long. Eventually, you will need help. Find local organizations and charities that can take some of the burden off of you. Get this information NOW.

    I wish you good luck - k
    "An artist is someone who produces things that people don't need to have, but that he - for some reason - thinks it would be a good idea to give them."

    - Andy Warhol

  10. #10
    Senior Member fastlane's Avatar
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    Re: Let Me Out Of Here!

    Tony

    My sister-in-law went through this with both of her parents and her father is somehow still alive but for the last five years I would hardly call it being alive. His mind is still fine at 89 but being diabetic he's a real mess. She knows the drill.

    My mother sits in a chair all day with her depends on and tosses them into a bucket in her bathroom for all to see. She is starting to get gross also. She hardly ever takes a bath and just washes her parts with a wash rag and then hangs it up by my bath towel.



    Phil

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