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Topic: puns

  1. #1
    Senior Member bigears's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Central Illinois


    Here are the Top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest:

    1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
    Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
    per passenger.

    2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
    says, 'Dam!'

    3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
    craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have
    your kayak and heat it, too.

    4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other
    says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

    5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
    canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
    the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
    hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But
    why they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand
    chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

    7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
    a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain;
    they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
    birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
    wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're
    twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

    8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
    a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
    from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
    was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
    He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
    rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in
    town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
    their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified,
    they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

    9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
    produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
    little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered
    from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a
    super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
    friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
    No pun in ten did.

  2. #2

    Re: puns

    You're right . . .

    They're so bad they're good.


  3. #3

    Re: puns

    Much enjoyed. Thanks for sharing

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    South of the Ohio River

    Re: puns

    Very punny indeed. Thanks.
    Dayton, Kentucky
    Personally, I'm waiting for caller IQ.

  5. #5

    Re: puns

    Absolutely brilliant!!

    Here's one for Brits of a certain generation:-

    A man called Gervaise applies for a job as a chef in a seafood restaurant. He boasts that his speciality is squid soup, so, as part of his interview, the restaurants owners ask him to prepare a batch; they bring him a live, slightly green squid, which has little hairs all over its upper lip, like a little moustache. Well Gervaise picks up the hatchet, ready to kill the squid, but finds that it looks him in the eye with the most sorrowful look, while its little, hairy upper lip trembles; so he can't do it. The restaurant owners are very understanding, and say they'll have the squid killed for him. They take it to the dishhand, who is an ex SAS man; hard as nails, with biceps like tree trunks and tattoos on every visible square inch; he often boasts that he could kill his own grandmother without a second thought. So he picks up the hatchet, ready to kill the squid, when it looks him in the eye, with its sorrowful stare, and its upper lip begins to quiver. He has to put the hatchet down and admit defeat. Which just proves that 'hands that do dishes can be soft as Gervaise, with mild-green hairy-lip squid.'

  6. #6

    Re: puns

    I enjoy puns and I have made up many of my own. I actually like the longer, story-based feghoots (or shaggy-dog stories) better than I like one-liners. Here are some of my favorite creations:

    Short, and for Tolkein fans:
    Two dwarves walk into a bar. The first asks, "Are you buying tonight?" The second one replies, "No, I'm a little short."

    And my favorite feghoot creation:
    Animal races being a popular way of making money, Robert Jenkins decided to capitalize on the trend. He built a nice facility with a large track, concessions, betting windows, and a special area for reporters. The first year earnings were disappointing, though, because people were used to dog and horse races, so he decided to try something different.

    The word went out that Jenkins' track would be offering donkey racing. After a short burst of local attention, his business settled down at a depressingly low level. The main problem seemed to be the speed of the donkeys. People used to the lightening speed exhibited by greyhounds and thoroughbred horses tended to be dissatisfied with the lumbering beasts. The males, known as jackasses, ran just a bit faster than the females, known as jennies, so he decided to tackle the hardest problem first.

    For the next six months he investigated various ways to speed up the slow-moving beasts. The females were fed vitamins and special diets, were prayed over by priests and rabbis, and were even subjected to psycho-analysis from a well-known animal psychiatrist. All to no avail.
    Jenkins finally abandoned his plan to make the donkeys run faster, and focused instead on marketing. If he could just come up with an angle to grab people's interest, he could finally begin to realize a profit.

    Plan after plan failed, and he was faced with bankruptcy. In the depths of despair, he confided his problem to a pilot friend of his. After almost an hour of tearful confessions, his friend patted him on the knee. "Don't worry, I know just what to do. All you have to do is follow my advice."

    So Jenkins mounted one last advertising campaign, centered around one last, big race. The airline sent out a dozen of their prettiest stewardesses, who stayed in the clubhouse area laughing and drinking with whomever cared to attend the event. Amazingly, it worked. News crews flooded the track, and thousands of people showed to place bets on the donkey races. The event went on until close to midnight, and Jenkins raked in several hundred thousand dollars.

    When asked by news crews about the days events, he responded quite simply. "Never have stoned stews done so much for slow Jennies."

    Another favorite creation:
    For many years, Pierre was universally proclaimed to be the best poet in the world. He relished this, and basked in the adoration bestowed upon him by an adoring public. But this all ended when Antonio appeared. This new poet took the world by storm, and debate raged hotly as to who was the best poet: Pierre or Antonio. Finally, they decided to settle it with a direct competition.

    The rules were rigidly fixed. Each poet would be presented with a particular topic, and he must produce a poem within 24-hours. The contest began, the topic was selected, and each poet produced what he loudly proclaimed as his best work.

    The judges failed to choose a winner, ruling that the poems were too close in quality.

    Other contests were held, with different rules and requirements, exotic locations, and even demanding physical exertion prior to or during the poem's creation. In this way, they hoped to discover the limits of each poet, and in so discovering also agree on which poet was better.
    All attempts failed: all resulted in ties.

    Finally, they decided to remove most of the rules and see what happened. Each poet would go to a nice beach, sit and watch people for the length of time required to get a decent tan, and then retire and create a poem about his experience that day.

    Pierre went to the beach and began busily observing. Several poem ideas occurred to him, but, in strict accordance with the rules, he set them aside until the time limit expired. Finally, he was sufficiently tanned that he retired to his room and sat down to pen yet another masterpiece poem.

    And couldn't think of a thing to write. He tried all night, desperately attempting to come up with some idea, some artistic creation, to submit against Antonio. He failed, and in so failing relinquished his title as the greatest living poet.

    Which just goes to prove that rhyme waits for no tan.

    And this one isn't mine, but it IS the longest pun I've ever had the pleasure to groan at:

  7. #7
    Senior Member bigears's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Central Illinois

    Re: puns

    good ones HongKong!

    Here are a few more groaners:

    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

    The cowboy dismounted on the spur of the moment to stirrup some trouble, bridled at being arrested and saddled the sheriff with a bit of a problem.

    He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

    There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

    Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

    Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

  8. #8

    Re: puns

    Well, as long as we're competing, I'd like to enter into this competition an oldie by the erstwhile Grandmaster of Science Fiction, Isaac Asimov.

    As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

    Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy. It just sat there, looking like a rock, but sometimes it lifted a lower edge and sucked in powdered sugar. That was all it ate. No one ever saw it move, but every once in a while, it wasn't quite where people thought it was. There was a theory that it moved when no one was looking.

    Bob Laverty had a heli-worm he called Dolly. It was green and carried on photosynthesis. Sometimes it moved to get into better light and when it did so it coiled its wormlike body and inched along very slowly like a turning helix.

    One day, Jim Sloane challenged Bob Laverty to a race. " My Teddy," he said, "can beat your Dolly."

    "Your Teddy," scoffed Laverty, "doesn't move."

    "Bet!" said Sloane.

    The whole crew got into the act. Even the captain risked half a credit. Everyone bet on Dolly. At least she moved.

    Jim Sloane covered it all. He had been saving his salary through three trips and he put every millicredit of it on Teddy.

    The race started at one end of the grand salon. At the other end, a heap of sugar had been placed for Teddy and a spotlight for Dolly. Dolly formed a coil at once and began to spiral its way very slowly toward the light.
    he watching crew cheered it on.
    Teddy just sat there without budging.

    "Sugar, Teddy, Sugar," said Sloane, pointing. Teddy did not move. It looked more like a rock than ever, but Sloane did not seem concerned.

    Finally, when Dolly had spiraled halfway across the salon, Jim Sloane said casually to his rockette, "if you don't get out there, Teddy, I'm going to get a hammer and chip you into pebbles."

    That was when people first discovered that rockettes could read minds. That was also when people first discovered that rockettes could teleport.
    Sloane had no sooner made his threat when Teddy simply disappeared from his place and reappeared on top of the sugar.

    Sloane won, of course, and he counted his winnings slowly and luxuriously.
    Laverty said bitterly, "You knew the damn thing could teleport."

    "No, I didn't," said Sloane, "but I knew he would win. It was a sure thing."

    "How come?"

    "It's an old saying everyone knows. ... Sloane's Teddy wins the race."

  9. #9

    Re: puns

    And if you really love puns and are looking for a veritable junkyard... I mean, treasure-house of puns, try this site.

    The World's First Shaggy Dog Story Archive

  10. #10

    Re: puns

    As the Zen Master said to the hot dog vendor...

    "Make me one with everything."
    Jim Williams
    Professor of Capitalism
    Indianapolis Brass Choir
    All Your Bass Sus&Short Are Belong to Us.

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